My last article was about communication between parents and schools. Communication is good, of course, but what is it, really? We usually think of communication as one person articulating to another exactly what he thinks and how he feels. We assume that people who communicate well are truthful, saying what they mean and meaning what they say. The Torah says, “Midvar sheker tirchak – Stay far away from falsehood.” What could be clearer than that as a directive for truth in communication?
But is telling the bald truth always the best way to “communicate” – that is, to express ourselves so that the other person will accept our words without becoming either devastated or enraged? How important is it to speak the truth, and when should honesty be put aside for other important values? We have all heard the famous Rashi, in which he explains that G-d Himself altered the truth to avoid hurt feelings. It happened when Avraham and Sarah heard that they were going to have a child. Sarah was 90 years old, and Avraham was 100. She laughed and said, “After I have withered shall I again have delicate skin? And my husband is old.” But when Hashem spoke to Avraham, he changed Sarah’s words to “…I have aged.” (Stone Chumash). Hashem changed what Sarah said, says Rashi, so that Avraham wouldn’t be insulted about being called old – at age 100!
Truth vs. Kindness
I started my exploration of honesty in communication by asking my nine-year-old grandson Rachamim if he thought you should always tell the truth. Very cleverly, for a nine-year-old, he instinctively zeroed in on the two types of lying: “If someone asks you if they look nice and you don’t think they look nice, you should say, yes, even if it is not true. If you tell the truth, you might make them sad. But when you did something wrong and your parents ask you about it, then you should say the truth,” and he added, “even if you really don’t want to!”
Rachamim has a point. According to Jewish law, there are circumstances when it is permitted to bend the truth – and for exactly the reason he gave. Consider another famous story about Aharon, the Kohen Gadol and lover of peace. When two people had had an argument, he would go to the first man, let’s call him Dovid, and say, “You know, Yitzchak feels so bad that he lost his temper yesterday and yelled at you. He really wants to make-up.” Then he would approach Yitzchak and say the same thing about Dovid. Though Aharon “stretched” the truth – because neither man had expressed those feelings – both sides felt validated, and soon the fight was over.
What about the classic example of a woman asking her friend, “How do I look? Do you like my new dress?” What should you say if you really don’t think it is attractive? Is there any value in telling her the truth? Probably not. If she has already bought the item and is about to wear it to a wedding, just focus on one attractive aspect of the garment and comment on that. But if you are shopping together before the purchase, a completely truthful opinion would have much more value. (See sidebar for halachic perspectives.)
Keeping Quiet
Sometimes, it’s not the words we say but the words we don’t say that comprise less than the whole truth. I met Shaina, a casual acquaintance, in shul on Simchas Torah and had a short conversation with her about some trivial topic, and then we parted ways. Later in the day, I was talking to my son and Shaina walked past us. “Oh,” she said, “that’s who you are. Now I understand what you were saying before!” Because she knew my son, she realized who I was. Shaina had chosen not to tell me she didn’t know what on earth I was talking about, because she didn’t want to hurt my feelings with the honest statement, “I do not know who you are.”
Most of us have experienced times when we thought we were looking for an honest opinion but found out that’s not what we wanted to hear at all. I had to laugh when a friend told me this story. She decided to buy her child a certain coveted item as a reward but felt uneasy and wanted reassurance that she was doing the right thing. Was she was spoiling the child by giving him that item, since it was not usual for children his age to have it? She told her brother what she had done and asked what he thought. Her brother berated her on how stupid it was for her to buy this item and how much trouble her child could get into with it. She immediately realized her mistake: She did not want total honesty. She had already made her decision and did not want to hear the awful things that could happen. She just wanted to be told that it was the right decision! She probably should have said to her brother, “This is what we are doing. I am so worried about it. Give me some reassurance.”
Asking children to “tell” on their siblings or friends in order to help a parent or teacher get to the bottom of a situation is a big dilemma. Is honesty proper in a tattling situation? It depends on whom you ask. There may also be halachic issues involved, such as rechilus (tale bearing) or mesira (betraying someone to the authorities). One college student, I spoke to, however, is sure of his reaction, saying, “I never would tell a teacher who committed a particular piece of mischief. I don’t think it is right of the teacher to ask.”
The news media regularly manipulate the truth by their selective presentation. (So do children. When asked why the teacher punished them, they will often tell only their side of the story.) A Los Angeles Times headline on October 11, read “6 Palestinian Teens Die Amid Mideast Unrest.” While the statement is factual, the context is missing – like the trivial fact that the teens attacked with knives. This is an instance where, while the facts are true, the reader will not learn the truth!
Being Truthful in One’s Heart
In a discussion about truth, there is also the concept of being honest with oneself. Sometimes we lie to ourselves about how we really feel and end up doing something that we regret. A woman was asked to give a ride from Lakewood to a boy returning to yeshiva in Baltimore. She agreed and was then asked to pick him up from his aunt’s house. At that time of day, with all the traffic, it took her a half hour out of her way to get him. Though she had said she was happy to do it, in the end, she was frustrated and resentful for the entire trip. In that case, if she had been truthful with herself and her limitations, she could have said, “I’d be happy to drive him, but he will have to come to where I am.”
This was the policy of a teacher with whom my children used to get a ride to school. He said, “If you are in the car ready to go when I’m ready to leave, I am happy to give you a ride, but I will not wait for anyone.” If a child was running down the block as he drove away, the child missed the ride. This teacher was honest to himself; he only did favors he was not going to resent later!
Truth and Trust
Though we have discussed various situations in which bending the truth prevents hurt feelings and promotes peace, there are obviously times when telling the absolute truth is important. One is in relating essential character information, even if it is derogatory, to people inquiring about a shidduch or business partnership, so that an innocent party will not be harmed.
Another is in government matters. Citizens are expected to be truthful in all their dealings. If we lie to the IRS, we risk dire consequences. And of course, we must tell the unvarnished truth in court. Witnesses are required to swear or affirm that what they are saying is the “truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,” and can be convicted of perjury if they don’t.. . To repeat what my grandson Rachamim wisely said, “When you did something wrong and your parents ask you about it, you should say the truth, even it you don’t want to.”
Although the ethics of honesty are clear to Rachamim, they weren’t so clear to another boy. Mrs. K. relates, “Once I was driving somewhere with my son, and we got into a discussion about skipping school and going to the mall. He said to me, ‘If I skipped school and went to the mall, and you asked me about it, what would be the point of telling you the truth? It would just make you unhappy. I might as well say that I was in class, and then both of us will be happy.’” Says Mrs. K., “I was so shocked by what he said I almost drove into a tree. I know something is wrong with his argument; I am just not sure what it is!”
Most people would agree that what is wrong with the son’s argument is that, without truth, there is no trust, and without trust, relationships are doomed. And when untruths proliferate and trust is eroded and relationships deteriorate on a wide scale, an entire society can crumble. As for the effect on a person’s character, a great talmid chacham once said, “The trouble with lying is that it makes you a liar.”
Beyond the specific legal requirements and the halachic guidelines for truth-telling (see sidebar), there is that great principle of the Torah, “Midvar sheker tirchak – Stay far away from falsehood,” mentioned at the beginning of this article. If the seal of Hashem is emes (truth) and His Torah is emes, we must try as best we can to base our lives on being truthful. We have many models in great Jews throughout our history who have gone out of their way to avoid the slightest hint of untruth. The Gemara tells about Rav Safra, who was approached by a potential customer as he was praying. Since Rav Safra couldn’t talk at that moment, the customer, thinking that Rav Safra was not happy with the offer, kept increasing it. When Rav Safra finished praying, he did not let the buyer pay him anything above the original offer, because he had already accepted it in his mind. Rashi says that Rav Safra “spoke the truth in his heart.” He was loyal to the truth, even though it was unknown to anyone else.
So, we have talked about times to bend the truth and times to tell the truth, about the whole truth and the partial truth, about truth in speech and truth in our hearts. We can only hope that, when confronted with a situation, we will know which truth to apply! But one thing is true for sure: The well known aphorism – “honesty is the best policy” – is not as simple as we might have thought.
Many thanks to my husband, son-in-law, and brother-in-law for helping me find sources for this article.
Sidebar
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Some Halachic Truths about the Truth
Based on Laws of Interpersonal Relationships by Harav Avrohom EhrmanThree things to remember about accuracy in speech:
- As a rule, one should distance oneself from lying.
- Even when lying is permissible, if one can find another way to get the message across without lying, one should do so.
- Even if one has to lie, he should minimize the lie as much as possible.
Six general situations when it is permissible to lie:
- For the sake of peace – for example, to reduce strife.
- To compliment someone`s purchase, including his or her choice of spouse when one sees the need.
- For the sake of humility: to hide one`s accomplishments.
- For the sake of modesty: to shield one`s intimate life.
- to protect someone`s hospitality from being taken advantage of by others: for example, not (accurately) describing the great hachnasas orchim of a particular family.
- To protect one`s possessions from robbers.
Two more points:
- If the lie will also cause monetary loss to another party, there is no heter to lie.
- Exaggeration, when everyone realizes it is only an exaggeration, is not considered lying.
Let us conclude with the statement of Chazal, “The seal/signature of Hashem is emes (truth).” (Yerushalmi, Sanhedrin), and the reminder of the Orchos Tzadikim that “We are obligated to speak words of Truth, as this is from the basic elements [DNA] of the soul.”