Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
Years ago, we lived in an apartment complex. I got very friendly with one of my neighbors. We helped each other in many ways and had babies at the same time, etc. As toddlers, my friend’s children used to hit and push my children. I thought that her children just had a more aggressive nature, and I coped with it by supervising them closely and trying to keep them apart.
Eventually we bought a house and moved to another neighborhood. Well, it’s a few years later, and my friend just bought a house on our block. And guess what! Her children have not changed! When my kids go out to play, her kids make fun of them and exclude them. My kids always come in crying. What’s more, the bullies are rallying the other children to join them. Everything was fine before these children came to live here.
I mentioned the problem to my friend, and she got extremely offended. She said, “How could you say that! Your kids must have brought it on themselves.”
How do I deal with this, short of moving? Should I just tell my children to stay inside? Should I arrange play dates with friends outside the neighborhood? We don’t like confrontations and fights, but even my peaceful husband is starting to say that maybe our kids should beat them up once and for all. Is that the only way to deal with bullies? I don’t like that solution, but what can we do? Hoping you can help,
Suffering Mother
Dear Suffering Mother,
This is a complex situation. There are many ways of dealing with bullies. No, you can’t move, because you’ll find bullies wherever you go. And keeping your children inside is cruel. What stands out, for me, is the need to handle this in a tactful and delicate manner. What if you were to contact your friend’s rabbi and discuss it with him? You should also speak to your rabbi and ask what he thinks is the nicest way to deal with this. However, this would only be the first step.
Personally, if this would happen to our family, I would hire a private detective and have him try to capture on video actual occurrences of bullying. As the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. When you have the video, confront the parents and show them what’s been going on. If they don’t solve the problem to your satisfaction, I would take them to a bais din.
Another thing I would do is register my children in karate classes – not to become bullies themselves but to gain the skills and confidence for self defense. While you certainly don’t want them to think that the only way to deal with problems is by fighting, I do feel it’s important for children to learn to stand up for themselves.
I don’t like these solutions, but sometimes this is the only way to have some hope of living a peaceful life. If you can picture yourself in a similar situation, you will realize that there are difficult people all around us, and not always can you deal with them by being a rodef shalom (peaceful person). Do you agree with me?
One of the most important things we can give our children when they are young is a sense of their own worth. Then, when they are confronted with a situations like the one you describe, they will believe in themselves and know that they can stand up to evil.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
Why is it that the reality of family life is not like the stories of the warm, close-knit, loving extended family around the Shabbos table? We live near my wife’s parents, and have always accorded them the greatest honor. They come over for Shabbos often, and we seat my father-in-law in my seat at the head of the table. We try to do everything to fulfill the mitzva of kibud av va’em (honoring parents).
My father-in-law has always been a “sharp” person, but it seems to be getting worse as he ages. He is very demanding about his kavod (honor). If a grandchild does not acknowledge him in exactly the proper, polite, and respectful way that he wants, he lashes out at the child. At the table, he criticizes everyone and everything – from the way zemiros are sung, to the children’s answers on parsha sheets, to my dvar Torah. More than merely unpleasant, this is not the kind of behavior we want our children to see or emulate. It has got to the point where I can’t stand it any more. I’m afraid I’ll explode one day and say something I shouldn’t. I don’t want my in-laws to come over any more.
My wife is beside herself. She agrees with me about her father’s behavior, but they are her parents. She also feels sorry for her mother, who is a sweet and lovely woman. Here is what she says: “I always support my husband, and I understand where he’s coming from. Yes, my father is difficult, but how could I tell them not to come to my home? This would be a terrible thing to do to them and not the right example for our children. I remember when my father held my hand going to shul, when he helped me with my homework – and all the things he did for me his whole life. Should I abandon him now? And how could I do this to my mother? I don’t know what the answer is, but it can’t be banning them from our home. I hope you have a suggestion.”
In a Difficult Dilemma
Dear in a Difficult Dilemma,
You certainly have demonstrated that you tried to fulfill the “mitzva of kibud av.” Going over what your wife says about your father-in-law being a loving father makes me think that there is more to this than just bad behavior. I would say that you and your wife should speak to your mother-in-law and see to it that he gets a complete medical and psychological work over. His change in behavior could have a medical explanation. That is number one – before you do anything else. If all tests come back negative, and there is nothing that can be done for him, then I would write a long letter and give it to your mother-in-law, stating why you cannot have him come to your home any more. This sounds harsh, but I don’t see any other way to solve your dilemma. You have the moral obligation to protect your home and your children from such behavior. I hope and pray that the solution to your situation will be a peaceful one, and that Hakadosh Baruch Hu (G-d) will show you the way to go.
