Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
Thank you for your column; it’s my favorite part of the WWW I am writing to you about unsolicited advice (and opinions) given to me by my parents and in-laws. They are all very wonderful people, whom I deeply admire and respect. However, I would like to have my turn to build my home, the way I’ve always hoped, together with my wonderful husband, b’ezras Hashem. I don’t want to be told “you should…” or “I think…” regarding the way I raise my kids and develop my home. I know our parents are well meaning – so much so that I bet they would never fathom that they interfere with their children’s marriages. But they do. And it really bothers me.
I know that they don’t mean to hurt my feelings and that they want to save us from mistakes, but most times, it’s about silly stuff. And besides, we learn best from mistakes we make. Moreover, they often don’t realize that we are not from the same generation they grew up in and that the times have changed.
For many years I tried my best to be respectful and not respond to their comments. What advice can you give me to help me feel less angry when such comments are sent my way? Also, is it possible to help parents and in-laws realize that they do mix in and that their mixing-in is not welcome? I know this is a common problem faced by many.
Thank you in advance,
The Younger Generation
Dear Younger Generation,
You are so right when you point out that this situation is faced by many couples. You’re also right when you say your parents and in-laws mean well and their advice comes from their love and caring for you and your family. My guess is that your parents and in-laws are not about to change their behavior. That means that the changes need to come from within you. The way to make that happen is to keep a few things in mind, and maybe even write them in a list that you can refer to when you need some chizuk to deal with the ongoing advice.
First, remind yourself that these are people who mean well and want to “save you from mistakes,” as you put it. Also, they are from another generation, as you pointed out, and this is the way their parents dealt with them. Then remind yourself that you are a competent adult and are perfectly capable of making decisions – even if they are not always the very best decisions, they will be yours. When you hear the advice from the older generation, you seem to be hearing an implied criticism, a message from them that you can’t handle things. I suspect this is not their intention at all! It’s rather like a parent’s habit, just as when your mother might remind you to take an umbrella because it’s raining outside.
The third note to yourself is to remember that you are not obligated to follow their advice; you are obligated to treat them respectfully. These points lead to the final step in dealing with unwanted input, and you have a few options here. You can smile and simply say, “Thank you, Mom,” and then handle the situation the way you and your husband want. Or you can smile, still say thank you, and add, “We’ve discussed this and decided we’re going to..” (Fill in the blanks according to the situation.) “I know the other way worked for you when you were bringing up your family, and now we have to deal with our own child’s personality and needs.” Another option is to say, “That’s definitely one approach. I’ll talk it over with Shmuel, and we’ll decide. Thank you!”
Before you say anything like that, be sure you feel ready and confident to say it. And be prepared for some negative response: “Well, it didn’t seem to hurt you and your siblings” or “Excuuuuse me!” Once you calmly and consistently stand your ground, it will become a given in the family that you and your husband will be making your own decisions.
I don’t think it requires a declaration of independence but, rather, a sense of confidence in the ability of the two of you as a couple to handle things. And of course, you can still run things by your parents and in-laws and ask for their input. It takes a secure person to ask for advice!
One more thing to write on your reminder sheet: Beware doing the same thing to your adult children one day!
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
We just celebrated our eleventh anniversary, baruch Hashem. We have been blessed with a warm Torah home filled with many children. My husband is a true masmid, and has been learning in kollel since we were married. We agreed on this lifestyle, and I was the main breadwinner up until now. We have both decided that it is now time for him to help with the parnassa, and that I can ease up, perhaps working part-time when he has a job.
This is not the first time my husband has thought about what he would like to do aside from learning. After looking into different programs, he has confided to me that he would like to pursue a program in music. I am afraid this will not be a reliable way to earn a living. Having worked in the real world for over a decade, I have learned to be practical. I want my husband to go into accounting, computers, or the like, where the schooling is not long and there is a good salary potential. I need some help with this. I am not sure how to channel his plans into a different field without upsetting the boat.
Practical Perel
Dear Practical Perel,
First of all, I would like to express my admiration for you and your husband and the way you have worked together to create your home. With a major transition about to unfold, it’s more important than ever to have an open discussion with each other. You certainly don’t want to pour cold water on the dream he has shared with you. At the same time, there is the need to be realistic about the practicalities of a music career. It seems to me that you both need specific information about this area. Your husband can check out the schools in town, including tuition, scholarships, part-time possibilities, and what kind of employment their graduates find. Then talk to people in the Jewish community whose parnassa comes from music, whether performing, teaching, or both. You may discover that it’s not as impractical as you think – or you may find that most people who play professionally have another profession, as well. There are accountants, physical therapists, and many others who have day jobs and use their musical talent and knowledge as an added source of income.
In any event, keep the music “door” open and discuss it further when you and your husband have gathered your information. An important piece of this decision is a meeting with your Rav to discuss the impact on the family’s ruchniyus (spirituality) and how to transition from kollel to the working world while maintaining the Torah standards the two of you have established.
I wish you much hatzlacha (success) and chochma (wisdom) in dealing with this next stage of life!
