Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I have been married for 12 years. I’m not exactly unhappy, but I would say I am far from being happy. When we got married, my husband seemed more energetic and personable. Now, we have very little to say to each other. A typical conversation might be “Where are my clean shirts,” or “How’s `Moishy’ doing in school?”
My husband is basically a good man and is kind to us. He supports us adequately, and I work part time for my own satisfaction, but we have grown apart. There is just this crushing boredom. I have said, let’s go to a therapist. Let’s improve our marriage. He says things are fine the way they are. He doesn’t understand the problem, and is adamant in his refusal to go for counseling.
Marriage could be so much more, and I yearn for it to be. But I have no hope that it ever will be. I can’t bear to imagine living with this man when our children are married and out of the house, and I am frightened of where these feelings are taking me.
Not Really Living
Dear Not Really Living,
Please do yourself a very big favor and give yourself a break from all the negative thoughts and feelings swirling within you. It sounds as if you are in a constant whirl of despair, gloom, and a sense of doom about your situation and your future. Just shifting your mind and heart off that topic could give you some breathing space and room to actually think about your marriage, what it has become and what you would like it to be.
The “growing apart” that you mention is not unusual for couples, but it doesn’t have to remain that way. For every couple, the thrill of marriage must inevitably meet the mundane details of everyday life: bills, routine, taking out the garbage, and all those tasks and chores that are antithetical to our notions of long-lasting love. As one author put it, “How we loved and strove not to let the little things of existence destroy us. How they did..”
It is definitely a challenge to keep our closeness alive and even help it grow. So the first thing you need to realize is that marriage has its peaks and valleys, and that is normal. The second, more important, thing to realize is that there are many things you can do to renew the spark in your marriage and create a better relationship with your husband.
It sounds to me as if you are waiting for your husband to do something to help this marriage. He may be burned out from his job, his responsibilities, and, yes, from his relationship with you. Why wait for him to initiate the cures for your couples burnout? By taking responsibility for your personal growth and happiness, you can create an atmosphere that encourages the very closeness you’re yearning for.
Begin thinking about what you need to perk yourself up. This might be an exercise class, a weekly shiur, learning a new skill, or all of the above. Take one evening a week that is just for you, and let your husband and family know that every Tuesday, let’s say, you will be going out right after supper. This action alone can send an important message to your husband, a message that says, “Don’t worry – I’m not going to nag you to get me going. I am taking steps to bring joy to my life, and I’m learning that you are not responsible for all of my feelings.” This can remove a very deep layer of pressure that your husband might be feeling and can give him the space to initiate some steps of his own.
Think about how you greet your husband at the end of the day. Does he get the sense that you’re happy to see him? Does he feel that his presence in the home makes a difference? My children tell me that one of their strongest memories is how I used to put on lipstick and sheitel when it was time for my husband, zt”l, to come home, even after we were married for 50 years. It does a world of good for both members of the couple to highlight the time you get to spend together.
Be prepared to discuss issues other than clean shirts and school work. Look at your husband when he speaks and let him know you are listening carefully because you value him and your relationship with him. I’m really saying that you can initiate the revival of your marriage, and as your husband sees that you’re not expecting him to take the lead on this, it will be easier for him to be responsive. He may feel as lonely as you do and not have a clue what to do about it.
At his wife’s levaya (funeral), Reb Shlomo Zalmen Auerbach, zt”l, said that, while it’s customary to ask mechila (forgiveness) from the niftar (deceased), he believed there was no reason for that in this case. My grandson mentioned that he thought about this a lot. Was it possible that Rav Shlomo Zalmen was saying they never disagreed in all the years of marriage?! His conclusion was that they certainly had times where they didn’t see eye to eye, but they always resolved the issue.
In order to have a strong, growing relationship, a couple must resolve the life issues that come upon them. It’s vital that you begin to relearn how to talk with your husband, how to tackle and resolve your issues, and how to begin living again as a true couple, sharing your values and your hopes and dreams, and bringing meaning to each other’s life.
If this seems beyond you right now, I urge you not to wait for your husband to go with you for counseling. You can go on your own and acquire the tools you need to recreate your relationship and build an even better one. As you take steps to grow and improve, your husband will see the efforts you are making and join you in this rebuilding. May you have many more years together, sharing a meaningful relationship and bringing joy to your household.
