A few months ago, I wrote an article about how families are coping with the burden of tuition for their children’s Torah education. Next, I wrote about dealing with phone calls from school about misbehaving children. In this third in the series on school-related topics, I will explore the perspective of parents who are part of the Orthodox Jewish community but are educating their children in schools outside the community.
In a sense, this phenomenon is a sign of the success of the Jewish day school movement. In previous generations it was very common for children to attend public schools or non-Jewish private schools. My mother, who grew up in a small town outside London, attended non-Jewish schools, beginning with elementary school and going all the way through teachers training college. In fact, she and her brother were the only Jewish students among hundreds of non-Jews. She grew up in a very religious home and was taught to read Hebrew by her grandmother but had very little Jewish book learning. She always felt a little ashamed when she could not help us with our Chumash homework. My father told me that in his non-Jewish school, also in England, the Jewish students were excused from singing Christmas carols and instead were allowed to decorate the Christmas tree!
How different it is today in Baltimore. It is taken for granted that every child in our community will attend a Jewish school. In fact, it is considered the right of every child, and most families would not consider any other alternative. Unfortunately, however, it sometimes becomes necessary to consider alternatives. The decision to send to a non-Jewish school is not a happy one. But it may be the best solution to a difficult situation.
This is a sensitive subject and often involves a hurt feelings and criticism. I will not mention specific schools or use the real names of families and students. I will simply report the stories as I heard them and as they were experienced by the families. While some parents have complaints, they also often feel bad that the schools could not meet the needs of their children. As one mother said, “I would not want to hurt the reputation of the school that tried so hard for my son.”
Shira*
Mrs. M., the mother of Shira, who attends a non-Jewish school, explains, “Our Jewish schools are not equipped to deal with some children. The schools are built to teach regular children who fit the mold, but sometimes it just doesn’t work for a particular child. Our schools cannot provide the smaller classes and the specially trained teachers that our children need even if they wanted to, because the tuition would be so expensive that nobody would be able to afford it.”
She continues, “In the past, when a Jewish school was opened, the administration had to work hard to recruit students. Most people were not interested in a Jewish school. Every child that could be convinced to come to the school was precious. Today, our schools are bursting at the seams, and the attitude is different. The child has to be a good fit for the school rather than making the school a good fit for the child.”
Miriam and Tova
Mrs. K. has two children who attend the Legacy School. Both Miriam and Tova, 10 and 13, have dyslexia. “The Legacy School has about 65 children, and it is for children who have language- based differences and not children with behavior or emotional problems,” says Mrs. K. “They use a multi-sensory approach, and each child in the school gets one hour a day of one-on-one tutoring. The Jewish schools that my children attended recommended that we send them to a special school. A dual curriculum was too challenging for my children.
“Parents who choose to send their children to a non-Jewish school believe that finding a school where their child can be successful, even if it is not a Jewish school, will result in a happier, more well-adjusted Jewish adult then forcing them to fit the mold in a Jewish school that canot meet their needs,” Mrs. K.. continues.
I asked Mrs. K. whether she is worried about her children’s lack of Jewish education and Jewish friends. “My children have many friends from the neighborhood and from their previous day schools, and they are included in all their activities. We have tutors after school to help them keep up with their limudei kodesh. I feel that my children will grow up to be whole, healthy people if they are happy and successful in school.”
Yitzi
Mrs. P’s 11-year-old son, Yitzi, attends Harbor School. Her son has been out of a Jewish school for two years. “We are thrilled with the Harbor school,” says Mrs. P. “The staff is so caring. They are happy to do anything to make our child be successful. They look for creative ways to solve problems. For example, they work with my son to help him develop friendships – like they find jobs that he and potential friends can to do together, and they listen in when he and the other children are playing games so that they can give them guidance if needed.
“Yitzi is a very smart child so he always got good marks, even when he was in a Jewish school, but he did not do well socially or behaviorally. “When Yitzi was in the day school, he spent a lot of time at home because he was suspended. Although the school did not ask Yitzi to leave, the situation was so dire from our perspective that we were willing to pay the much more expensive tuition in the Harbor School plus pay for a Torah tutor so that Yitzi could do well.”
At first, Yitzi, was very unhappy about leaving the Jewish school. He cried that he wouldn’t be able to become a talmid chacham and wouldn’t have Jewish friends if he left his yeshiva. But his parents insisted because it was clear to them that it was necessary.
Yitzi is still motivated to learn Torah, and the family has hired a tutor who learns with him every day after school. On Sundays, there is even more time for learning.
Although, Mrs. P. understands that a Jewish day school is coming from a different perspective then a school like Harbor, she still feels that it would have been helpful if the day school her son attended could have been more accommodating. Parents are often given the message that it is only their child who needs a certain accommodation and not anyone else.
“That is often not true,” says Mrs. P. “Once I asked the school to set aside a quiet room during recess so that kids who did not like the tumult of outside recess could color or read. I was told that it was unnecessary and nobody else had requested that. Later I found out from a therapist who worked with my son and some other children in the class that, actually, there were six other children who would have benefited from a quiet alternative to noisy outside recess. A shift in attitude would be ideal and might avoid others having to leave, like we did.”
Mrs. P wanted me to include another message: “A community school is meant for the whole community. In order to assist all the children in the community, perhaps schools could make small accommodations, such as making sure the child has his homework at the end of the day, or showing him the place when he loses it. There are many children who aren’t thriving, even if they are managing to stay in the day schools, who could be helped if the school had the mindset to foster each child’s success. Simple things that would be helpful to any student but are necessary to students with disabilities – such as visual schedules, reminders before transition times, a classroom routine, etc. – don’t need expensive resources to put in place.
“One other thing to note is that in non-Jewish schools, accommodations aren’t optional. In Jewish schools they are left up to the teacher. Even small things like extra time on a test are done at the teacher’s discretion. I have one child for whom it was recommended that she take tests in a quiet area. The only time that was done was for state testing because it was important for the school for her to do well. It wasn’t even done once for regular school tests.”
Dovid
Mrs. B’s nine-year-old son, Dovid, goes to the Auburn School. Dovid also made the rounds of the Jewish schools in our community, and even spent some time in an online Jewish school called Melamed Academy, but they were not able to meet his needs.
“Dovid’s problems are all behavior related,” says Mrs. B. “He is very smart and has no learning problems. Many of the Jewish schools are set up to help children with learning differences but not children who have behavior problems. The whole experience of having Dovid in and out of school for a few years was really traumatic and stressful for the whole family. When Dovid was finally settled and happy in the Auburn School the whole family cheered!
“The Auburn School is focused on social behavior,” Mrs. B says. “Behaving appropriately is not just a side thing that goes along with learning. There is a special class just dealing with social issues. All the teachers are trained in a special method called Zones of Regulation, which focuses on how the child is feeling and how he reacts to those feelings. Everyone in the school uses the same vocabulary to describe behavior so they can all help the children. It is a methodical system with steps that lead to understanding the correct way to behave.”
“Because of this special training, there is a non-judgmental attitude in the school,” Mrs. B continues. “When we were being given a tour of the school before my child attended, I asked the principal, “What would make you send a child home from school?”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “Why would I send a child home from school? He is in school to learn, and sending him home will not teach him anything,” she said. “After the trauma we experienced with our son when he was in the Jewish day schools, it was a tremendous relief to have him in a place where he was truly accepted and understood.”
Although, Mrs. B’s son, is only nine, she has high hopes that he will be able to maintain his status as a religious Jewish boy. “Dovid loves learning, and he has already completed three tractates of mishnayos. Once he was at Avos U’banim, and the rabbi of the shul asked a question about a mishna. My son was the only boy in the whole room who knew the answer. He also loves to go to shul, and since we live close to the shul, he can go by himself. The men in the shul treat him kindly and accept him.”
In general, Mrs. B has found the community to be understanding. She gave me an example: “Dovid wanted to play in Yiddle League, but we missed the enrollment period because they don’t give out enrollment forms in the Auburn School. When my husband approached the head of Yiddle League and asked if Dovid could still join, at first, he said it is too late, but when my husband explained the situation, he accepted him right away, and he began playing the next day.”
Chaim
Mrs. J’s son, Chaim, is 15 and has been in special ed schools since first grade. “Chaim could not handle the dual curriculum in the Jewish schools, so we had to do what was best for him. It was a hard choice to make,” Mrs. J. says, “but we had to do what would give him the best chance to grow and learn and reach his potential as an adult. When Chaim was younger, before his bar mitzva, he learned with a rebbe every day, but he is not interested in that anymore. He is not so connected to the Jewish community, although he is spiritual in his own way.”
All children and every family are their own world and have their own story to tell. Most families in our community envision their child going to school and to shul with the children of their friends, but sometimes it just does not work and alternatives have to be found. The parents I spoke to were grateful that Baltimore has an array of options to match the needs of every child, and hopeful that their children would grow up to be connected to Judaism as well as successful, happy adults.
*all names are pseudonyms
