One of my favorite
places to visit is Niagara Falls. The intense rush of water cascading over the Falls
is truly overwhelming. Over the years I have visited the Falls numerous times,
and have experienced them as many of us have: from in front, from behind, as
well as from the boat ride. But nothing prepared me for my recent visit.
My previous trips
were all to the Canadian side. It was so exciting to cross the border, and besides,
“they” told us that the Canadian side is so much better. But on this recent
trip, we decided to stop at the American side. Not only was it less crowded but
it is situated in such a way that we could get closer than ever to the water. I
stood watching six million cubic feet of water flow each minute from the
Niagara River into the gorge, and I was overwhelmed by the imagery as it
pertained to a famous statement of Chazal.
In Jewish
tradition, water is a metaphor for blessing. In fact, the word bracha, blessing, is related to the word
breicha, a pool, referring to the
metaphorical pool of blessing in heaven, from which the “rivers” of shefa (abundance) bring blessing to us.
But what happens
once the blessing gets to us? How can we hold on to it? Chazal tell us that
Hashem found only one utensil for the Jewish people that can contain the
blessing that He pours. That is shalom,
peace. With shalom, we can receive
and retain Hashem’s blessing. Without shalom,
the blessing is lost.
Think of a leaky
faucet. Sometimes a homeowner gets very concerned about the money being lost as
the water leaks nonstop. Even if he uses the bathtub and multiple buckets to
collect the water, much of it will go down the drain, wasted.
In the same way,
even if Hashem sends us a Niagara Falls of blessing, we will be unable to
receive it if we don’t have the proper “bucket.” We have to be in a state of shalom.
* * *
Shalom is very important, but it is not as easy
to achieve as one might think. The shalom
we are referring to does not mean that people cannot have perspectives or
opinions. Certainly, a vibrant, lively person has opinions just as he or she
has personal history, upbringing, and creativity. In fact, when discussing
marriage, the Talmud applies the pasuk,
“Hashem places individuals together,” recognizing that each partner is an
individual with personal likes and dislikes. Yet we yearn for shalom bayis, a state in which both
persons respect each other and work to synthesize their strengths, weaknesses,
and natures to form a greater whole.
In my work as a
family mediator, this concept is ever present. In discussions between husband
and wife, we are not looking for either of them to feel so helpless that they
cop-out of dialogue, shrug their shoulders, and declare a careless, “Whatever…”
Rather, the goal, even in the midst of intense and sometimes painful differences,
is to express our desires with clarity while recognizing the need for
respectful dialogue.
When people
disagree strongly, the point of conflict seems to be all that matters. Am I
winning or losing is the question that may be on people’s minds. Yet the loss
incurred by destroying shalom is far
greater than whatever financial or logistical issue we are disagreeing about. It
is so important to realize that, no matter how things are settled, there is
life well beyond the issues at hand, even as these issues loom large in the
here and now.
Interestingly,
even in cases where it has been determined that divorce is the proper option,
the need for shalom remains. Despite
the pain that people will experience, each person – and especially any children
who are involved – deserve a good future. Everyone deserves the opportunity to
put their best foot forward to live the remaining decades of life successfully
– to rebuild and experience Hashem’s ever-present blessing. With the proper
diligence it is possible to achieve shalom
even in divorce.
Whether married or
divorced, each of us has the potential for a blessed future. Children in a
family have the potential to illuminate the world with Torah and mitzvos. Much
of that is lost when family arguments and misunderstandings bubble out of
control. Deescalating is the goal that should be at the forefront of our minds
– to retain Hashem’s blessings for us and our loved ones.
* * *
So as I watched
the billions of gallons of water surging over the cliff at Niagara, I thought about
shalom as a state of wholesomeness that
enables us to retain Hashem’s multitude of blessings. Shalom is a state of mind, of being, and of relationship that
requires effort and good counsel. The shalom
that emerges from a mediated agreement can accomplish that.
Shalom comes with a price. It costs, both
financially and emotionally. But the blessings of shalom far surpass the costs. Shalom
is worth everything.
Rabbi Mordechai Rhine is a Coach and Mediator based in Baltimore,
Maryland. He has served as a community Rabbi and lecturer for over two decades.
He can be reached through his websites, www.care-mediation.com and
www.teach613.org, or by email at RMRhine@gmail.com.
