Page 88 - issue
P. 88
SHADCHANASKTHE Nowadays, I am grilled about
BY MASHE KATZ every detail. A mother once called
me about a shidduch and asked so
To the Shadchan: photos for a beauty contest. I just many questions that I said to her, “If
want to rule out people who are com- I answer all these questions, what
I ’m in yeshiva, recently started in pletely unattractive to me. will the young people have to speak
shidduchim, and I have had a few Considering all the time and effort about? You do not have to conduct
disappointing experiences. A that dating involves, I think that this an FBI investigation. Let the individ-
couple of times, when I picked up would be fair. It would also be fair to uals have this conversation on their
the girl at her home and saw her the girl, who is putting forth a similar own on the first date.”
for the first time, I immediately level of effort for a relationship that
knew she was not for me. I was will not materialize. As a practical Another time, I was asked to send
certainly gracious and tried to matter, I think it makes sense. a picture of a girl. It was against my
find common ground with her on the principles, but I thought it was a per-
date. Once, I even gave it another You are a shadchan with lots of fect match and I wanted the shid-
chance with a second date. But in my experience, including in the “good duch so badly that I forwarded the
heart, I realized that my first reaction old days,” so I am interested in your picture. What a mistake I made! I
was correct and I would not be able opinion. waited a few days and then called the
to continue. This happened after a mother and asked what she thought.
long process of checking her out, tak- The Shadchan Answers: She answered, “She is not the look
ing off time from yeshiva, possible we are looking for.” That did it for
travel, and expenses, such as renting Let me say it up front: I am very me. I never sent a picture again. It
a car. against this picture “phenomenon.” also made me wonder how often it is
Since you refer to the “good old the young man who wants a picture
In my yeshivishe circles, requesting days,” I will describe them to you: and often it is his mother!
a picture of the girl is frowned upon. No one knew of resumes – not to
I heard that in past generations, as mention pictures! I do not know As we all know, beauty is in the
little as 25 years ago, it was not done, where this all started, but as fast eyes of the beholder. A girl can be a
ever. My parents also don’t want me as it started, it should stop. Years stunning beauty, yet some people
to go this route. My father said that in ago, a name was given to a family. The will not appreciate her looks. On the
his day, any boy who asked for a family called one reference, and that other hand, she can be a girl with
photo was considered unworthy of a was it! The only question that was very average looks, but to her bash-
chashuva shidduch. important in those days was about fam- ert she is the most beautiful person
ily. Did the individual come from a in the world. Her personality, her
But aren’t things different nowa- good family? Did he or she have good tznius, her charm, and her middos
days, when photos are so prevalent middos and a good name? If so, the outshine everything and declare that
on Facebook and many other places? couple started dating. They met each she is truly beautiful.
Personally, I am not looking for other – and even traveled – “blindly,”
extraordinary, “model-type” beauty, because they had no picture and no Besides, pictures do not mean
and I’m not planning to shop around resume. anything in the era of Photoshop,
for the most gorgeous girl or use the because they are often “touched up”
by the photographers. You finally
meet the girl, and she is a great dis-
appointment. She does not look at
all like her picture. So what did the
picture prove? Are you better off for
having seen it?
If you recall, the rosh yeshivas
came out with a kol koreh that the
pictures must stop. No one listened.
Why is it that they listen to their
rebbeim for everything under the
sun, but when it comes to the pic-
tures no one listens?
I agree with your parents. You
should not be asking for a picture.
As far as Facebook is concerned, in
my opinion, no frum girl should be
advertising herself on the internet.
80 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
BY MASHE KATZ every detail. A mother once called
me about a shidduch and asked so
To the Shadchan: photos for a beauty contest. I just many questions that I said to her, “If
want to rule out people who are com- I answer all these questions, what
I ’m in yeshiva, recently started in pletely unattractive to me. will the young people have to speak
shidduchim, and I have had a few Considering all the time and effort about? You do not have to conduct
disappointing experiences. A that dating involves, I think that this an FBI investigation. Let the individ-
couple of times, when I picked up would be fair. It would also be fair to uals have this conversation on their
the girl at her home and saw her the girl, who is putting forth a similar own on the first date.”
for the first time, I immediately level of effort for a relationship that
knew she was not for me. I was will not materialize. As a practical Another time, I was asked to send
certainly gracious and tried to matter, I think it makes sense. a picture of a girl. It was against my
find common ground with her on the principles, but I thought it was a per-
date. Once, I even gave it another You are a shadchan with lots of fect match and I wanted the shid-
chance with a second date. But in my experience, including in the “good duch so badly that I forwarded the
heart, I realized that my first reaction old days,” so I am interested in your picture. What a mistake I made! I
was correct and I would not be able opinion. waited a few days and then called the
to continue. This happened after a mother and asked what she thought.
long process of checking her out, tak- The Shadchan Answers: She answered, “She is not the look
ing off time from yeshiva, possible we are looking for.” That did it for
travel, and expenses, such as renting Let me say it up front: I am very me. I never sent a picture again. It
a car. against this picture “phenomenon.” also made me wonder how often it is
Since you refer to the “good old the young man who wants a picture
In my yeshivishe circles, requesting days,” I will describe them to you: and often it is his mother!
a picture of the girl is frowned upon. No one knew of resumes – not to
I heard that in past generations, as mention pictures! I do not know As we all know, beauty is in the
little as 25 years ago, it was not done, where this all started, but as fast eyes of the beholder. A girl can be a
ever. My parents also don’t want me as it started, it should stop. Years stunning beauty, yet some people
to go this route. My father said that in ago, a name was given to a family. The will not appreciate her looks. On the
his day, any boy who asked for a family called one reference, and that other hand, she can be a girl with
photo was considered unworthy of a was it! The only question that was very average looks, but to her bash-
chashuva shidduch. important in those days was about fam- ert she is the most beautiful person
ily. Did the individual come from a in the world. Her personality, her
But aren’t things different nowa- good family? Did he or she have good tznius, her charm, and her middos
days, when photos are so prevalent middos and a good name? If so, the outshine everything and declare that
on Facebook and many other places? couple started dating. They met each she is truly beautiful.
Personally, I am not looking for other – and even traveled – “blindly,”
extraordinary, “model-type” beauty, because they had no picture and no Besides, pictures do not mean
and I’m not planning to shop around resume. anything in the era of Photoshop,
for the most gorgeous girl or use the because they are often “touched up”
by the photographers. You finally
meet the girl, and she is a great dis-
appointment. She does not look at
all like her picture. So what did the
picture prove? Are you better off for
having seen it?
If you recall, the rosh yeshivas
came out with a kol koreh that the
pictures must stop. No one listened.
Why is it that they listen to their
rebbeim for everything under the
sun, but when it comes to the pic-
tures no one listens?
I agree with your parents. You
should not be asking for a picture.
As far as Facebook is concerned, in
my opinion, no frum girl should be
advertising herself on the internet.
80 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
