Page 102 - issue
P. 102
CONFRONwTIitNhG CANCER
“W COMPASSIONhat’sherprognosis?”
I’ll never forget the
first time I was asked
that question. It was
the first of many days
What was her prognosis? I was too this first occasion, I chose not to be up-
shocked to respond. set or resentful or insulted, and I forgave
this well-meaning individual for simply
uuu trying her best to respond to the news of
my mom’s illness and not knowing how
I have since gotten over the shock
and would very much like to respond.
I would travel up and But I’m not going to share her progno- to be supportive.
down the NJ Turn- sis with you. Instead, I’d like to share my To actually be supportive, one must
pike alone. Earlier own thoughts about why people actually put aside one’s own fears and curiosity –
that morning, at 5 a.m., coffee in hand, ask this question and many similar ques- put aside one’s own personal agenda or
I quietly left the house and drove down tions, and perhaps offer concrete ways to needs and be compassionate toward the
to Baltimore to spend a few hours with be more sensitive to families undergoing needs of the family in crisis.
my mom, who was recently diagnosed a medical challenge. Being compassionate means identify-
with cancer. By the time my kids woke Cancer terrifies people. It scares the ing the ways to accompany and be pres-
up, I would almost be there. A babysitter living daylights out of everyone. Cancer ent for a family throughout their experi-
would have already arrived to get them has become so rampant and non-dis- ence with illness, without giving advice
off to school, and the kids would assume criminating that every single one of us or asking for any information in return.
that I was at a professional training or lives in fear of getting cancer or losing Compassionate communication, com-
some sort of meeting. The children didn’t someone we love to cancer. And when passionate interactions, and compas-
know that I was actually going down to you hear that, yet again, someone you sionate helping are areas to be mindful of
Baltimore to visit their Bubby. They had know has been diagnosed with cancer, when dealing with families in pain.
no idea that their Bubby was undergoing your own anxiety and fear complete- uuu
chemo and was either in the hospital or ly overwhelm you, and you desperately Compassionate Communication: Make
at home recuperating from the intense try to make yourself feel better. You ask, statements, don’t ask questions.
treatments. “What’s the prognosis?” But what you’re The cancer diagnosis exhausts a fam-
On that day, while running a quick er- really thinking is “Tell me they caught ily emotionally and physically. Simple
rand for my mom, I bumped into a wom- it early. Tell me she’s responding well to questions, like “How are you?” or even
an I hadn’t seen in several years. She was treatment,” and, ultimately, “Tell me she “How is your mother?” are so complex
curious why I was in town, and in a mo- is not going to die.” and so emotionally charged that it’s ac-
ment of sheer exhaustion and emotion, And therein lies the rub. tually confusing to try and answer them.
and desperately needing support and a By asking questions, you’re actually Needing to respond casually can send
hug, I explained that my mom wasn’t asking the family of the patient to make someone into an emotional tailspin. The
well, that I had just driven in to be with you feel better, to somehow make this questions actually seem trite to the fami-
her for a few hours. And then she asked situation less frightening to you. Quite ly in crisis: We’re not okay. We’re dealing
the question. It would be the first of frankly, I never even asked my own with cancer!! Mom is hurting. She’s ex-
many such questions, but this first time mother what her prognosis was, and if I tremely fragile.
was especially jarring. knew the answer, I wouldn’t share it. On When a person is diagnosed, and the
94 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
“W COMPASSIONhat’sherprognosis?”
I’ll never forget the
first time I was asked
that question. It was
the first of many days
What was her prognosis? I was too this first occasion, I chose not to be up-
shocked to respond. set or resentful or insulted, and I forgave
this well-meaning individual for simply
uuu trying her best to respond to the news of
my mom’s illness and not knowing how
I have since gotten over the shock
and would very much like to respond.
I would travel up and But I’m not going to share her progno- to be supportive.
down the NJ Turn- sis with you. Instead, I’d like to share my To actually be supportive, one must
pike alone. Earlier own thoughts about why people actually put aside one’s own fears and curiosity –
that morning, at 5 a.m., coffee in hand, ask this question and many similar ques- put aside one’s own personal agenda or
I quietly left the house and drove down tions, and perhaps offer concrete ways to needs and be compassionate toward the
to Baltimore to spend a few hours with be more sensitive to families undergoing needs of the family in crisis.
my mom, who was recently diagnosed a medical challenge. Being compassionate means identify-
with cancer. By the time my kids woke Cancer terrifies people. It scares the ing the ways to accompany and be pres-
up, I would almost be there. A babysitter living daylights out of everyone. Cancer ent for a family throughout their experi-
would have already arrived to get them has become so rampant and non-dis- ence with illness, without giving advice
off to school, and the kids would assume criminating that every single one of us or asking for any information in return.
that I was at a professional training or lives in fear of getting cancer or losing Compassionate communication, com-
some sort of meeting. The children didn’t someone we love to cancer. And when passionate interactions, and compas-
know that I was actually going down to you hear that, yet again, someone you sionate helping are areas to be mindful of
Baltimore to visit their Bubby. They had know has been diagnosed with cancer, when dealing with families in pain.
no idea that their Bubby was undergoing your own anxiety and fear complete- uuu
chemo and was either in the hospital or ly overwhelm you, and you desperately Compassionate Communication: Make
at home recuperating from the intense try to make yourself feel better. You ask, statements, don’t ask questions.
treatments. “What’s the prognosis?” But what you’re The cancer diagnosis exhausts a fam-
On that day, while running a quick er- really thinking is “Tell me they caught ily emotionally and physically. Simple
rand for my mom, I bumped into a wom- it early. Tell me she’s responding well to questions, like “How are you?” or even
an I hadn’t seen in several years. She was treatment,” and, ultimately, “Tell me she “How is your mother?” are so complex
curious why I was in town, and in a mo- is not going to die.” and so emotionally charged that it’s ac-
ment of sheer exhaustion and emotion, And therein lies the rub. tually confusing to try and answer them.
and desperately needing support and a By asking questions, you’re actually Needing to respond casually can send
hug, I explained that my mom wasn’t asking the family of the patient to make someone into an emotional tailspin. The
well, that I had just driven in to be with you feel better, to somehow make this questions actually seem trite to the fami-
her for a few hours. And then she asked situation less frightening to you. Quite ly in crisis: We’re not okay. We’re dealing
the question. It would be the first of frankly, I never even asked my own with cancer!! Mom is hurting. She’s ex-
many such questions, but this first time mother what her prognosis was, and if I tremely fragile.
was especially jarring. knew the answer, I wouldn’t share it. On When a person is diagnosed, and the
94 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
