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community finds out about the illness, passionate act had lasting impact. assume that all members of the extended
the family’s private life and personal Asking about treatment or protocols family know of the diagnosis. Many fam-
needs suddenly become very public. ilies choose not to tell the extended fam-
Acquaintances can minimize their dis- is extremely invasive. The diagnosis, the ily so as not to worry them. And always
tress by not asking any questions. When staging, the medical team, or the length be careful not to ask questions or make
you bump into a family member or the of treatment are all extremely private and comments in the presence of grandchil-
person who is undergoing treatments, should never be inquired about. Com- dren, who may not know the full extent
make compassionate statements like, ments about how the person looks can of what is going on.
“It’s good to see you” or “I have you on be hurtful and a painful reminder to what
my mind” or “I think of you often; it’s they may be experiencing. Never ask a uuu
so nice to see you,” or simply stand with choleh if you should “keep davening” for
the family member for a minute and be them. Compassionate communication Compassionate Interactions: Identify
okay not bringing up the cancer in that sometimes means actually not commu- family needs and be aware that they are
moment. nicating at all. Daven hard and keep dav- fluid.
ening, do chesed and mitzvos as a zechus
If you are close to the patient or fam- for the choleh, but remember that this A good rule of thumb, is that what-
ily, use texting, emails, or written letters does not need to be communicated di- ever relationship you had with the pa-
to any of the family members and com- rectly to the family. tient or family in the past is what the
municate in ways that don’t require a re- relationship should continue to be at this
sponse. Don’t text questions or ask how If a family member confides in you time. If you had nothing to do with the
they’re feeling or about the side effects. regarding any medical information or choleh, now is not the time to create new
The cards my mother received from his or her own feelings, respect that per- friendships. Visitation can feel burden-
community friends and acquaintanc- son’s privacy. Recognize that you were some and exhausting to the patient and
es were hung in the kitchen and were privileged to be entrusted with this in- his or her family. Always ask permission
read and reread by all of us. They were a formation and that you need to keep it to visit, whether at home or in the hos-
source of chizuk during the duration of confidential. To show that you genuinely pital, and always be respectful of the re-
the treatment. There was no expectation care, follow up with a text saying you are sponse. If permission is granted, it’s only
that she would write back, and that com- thinking of them and that you are there for you and doesn’t include your children
if they still want to talk. Be careful not to or spouse. Recognize that, while in the
past you may have enjoyed shmoozing
96 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
the family’s private life and personal Asking about treatment or protocols family know of the diagnosis. Many fam-
needs suddenly become very public. ilies choose not to tell the extended fam-
Acquaintances can minimize their dis- is extremely invasive. The diagnosis, the ily so as not to worry them. And always
tress by not asking any questions. When staging, the medical team, or the length be careful not to ask questions or make
you bump into a family member or the of treatment are all extremely private and comments in the presence of grandchil-
person who is undergoing treatments, should never be inquired about. Com- dren, who may not know the full extent
make compassionate statements like, ments about how the person looks can of what is going on.
“It’s good to see you” or “I have you on be hurtful and a painful reminder to what
my mind” or “I think of you often; it’s they may be experiencing. Never ask a uuu
so nice to see you,” or simply stand with choleh if you should “keep davening” for
the family member for a minute and be them. Compassionate communication Compassionate Interactions: Identify
okay not bringing up the cancer in that sometimes means actually not commu- family needs and be aware that they are
moment. nicating at all. Daven hard and keep dav- fluid.
ening, do chesed and mitzvos as a zechus
If you are close to the patient or fam- for the choleh, but remember that this A good rule of thumb, is that what-
ily, use texting, emails, or written letters does not need to be communicated di- ever relationship you had with the pa-
to any of the family members and com- rectly to the family. tient or family in the past is what the
municate in ways that don’t require a re- relationship should continue to be at this
sponse. Don’t text questions or ask how If a family member confides in you time. If you had nothing to do with the
they’re feeling or about the side effects. regarding any medical information or choleh, now is not the time to create new
The cards my mother received from his or her own feelings, respect that per- friendships. Visitation can feel burden-
community friends and acquaintanc- son’s privacy. Recognize that you were some and exhausting to the patient and
es were hung in the kitchen and were privileged to be entrusted with this in- his or her family. Always ask permission
read and reread by all of us. They were a formation and that you need to keep it to visit, whether at home or in the hos-
source of chizuk during the duration of confidential. To show that you genuinely pital, and always be respectful of the re-
the treatment. There was no expectation care, follow up with a text saying you are sponse. If permission is granted, it’s only
that she would write back, and that com- thinking of them and that you are there for you and doesn’t include your children
if they still want to talk. Be careful not to or spouse. Recognize that, while in the
past you may have enjoyed shmoozing
96 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
