My sister, Esther
Baila Schwarz, who lives in Monsey, is a well-known speaker for women on Torah
topics. Recently, she took a new position with a hotline called Libainu, where
girls between 12 and 18 years old are encouraged to call with their questions on
hashkafa topics or any problems they have. My sister is the one who answers
their questions and often repeats that she is not a therapist or a professional,
just a nice bubby who answers questions. Although I am far from my teenage
years, I was amazed at the wide variety of questions that the girls asked. I
think you will also find them interesting. With Esther Baila’s permission, I am
presenting some of the questions and her answers.
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Q: Is it appropriate to tell my mother that I don’t like
her to drive carpool looking shlumpy
and not dressed nicely? I would like her to wear a sheitel and makeup so I can be proud of how she looks.
A: Yes, I think it would be fine to ask your
mother in a respectful way and tell her that it is important to you.
Q: The room where I like to sit and relax is close to
the wall of my neighbor’s house, and I can hear their conversations very
clearly. What should I do?
A: This is a very serious question. It is very wrong to
put yourself in the position of hearing other people’s private conversations.
You must figure out a way to solve this quickly. You should tell your neighbors
so that they know to be careful, and I would suggest buying a small sound
machine and turning it on in the room so that the white noise will block out
the sounds from next door.
Q: My friends ask me questions about my mother having a
baby that I am uncomfortable talking about with them.
A: You can just say that you are not comfortable talking
about this topic and then change the subject or just ignore the question. One
very important rule is that just because somebody asks a question does not mean
that you must answer. If you say this often enough, your friends will get the
hint and stop asking. It’s just like if you are in pajamas and somebody is
knocking on the door; if you ignore the knocking for long enough, they will go
away.
Q: My friends and I said the whole sefer Tehillim as a merit for the war
going on in Eretz Yisrael. We sat on the floor when we were saying tehillim. Somebody said that all our
davening was worth nothing because we sat on the floor, and you are not allowed
to do that when davening. Do you think it was all a waste?
A: Absolutely not. Every tefilla is worthwhile, and Hashem will take all those tefillos into account. I hope you will
join together again to continue davening. In the future, though, it is better
not to sit on the floor when saying tehillim
because it is a sign of aveilus (mourning).
Q: I am working very hard on davening with kavanah and feel so proud when I finish Shemone Esrei. I feel so connected to
Hashem, but then I look at the girl standing next to me, and she seems to have
so much more kavanah. It makes me
feel so bad; it bursts my bubble, and I feel ashamed instead of proud.
A: This is a completely normal reaction, but
it is like comparing an ant to an oak tree. There is no comparison. Each
person’s relationship with Hashem is private and individual. There is no
competition between one person and the next. If it inspires you to look at how
she davens, then look. If it makes you feel bad, just don’t look. It is just
the yetzer harah trying to make you
stumble.
Q: Before Yom Kippur, we had a Yom Iyun. Every girl was encouraged to
choose one middah to excel in. Some
of the choices were positivity, dignity, strength, or sensitivity. I choose
positivity, but over Yom Tov I found it very hard to be positive. So many
things went wrong. I wonder if I should just change my middah.
A: Absolutely not! That is just because the yetzer harah is scared of you. If everything is going smoothly, there is
no challenge to be positive. If the soup spilled all over your new Yom Tov
dress 10 minutes after you put it on, that is the time to work on positivity.
Being happy brings tremendous bracha
to the world. I hope you won’t give up on this goal.
Q: I used to feel that I was very
self-confident, but recently I have started blushing in school. This is a
terrible nisayon for me, and I feel
like Hashem is trying to crush my self-confidence.
A: I feel so bad for you that you have this
problem, which is so difficult. If this is a very big issue for you, then I
think you should ask your parents to get you help. There is nothing to be
embarrassed about needing help.
The reality is
that some people blush. Just as everyone whose eyes are open will see what is
in front of them, and everyone who has ears will hear what is said around them,
everyone who has a brain will think thoughts. But just as a person who does not
want to see something can turn her neck, and a person who does not want to hear
can close her ears, so a person who does not want to be embarrassed does not
have to listen to the thoughts in her brain. If your brain is telling you that
you are a loser because you blush – and you have the thought that blushing is
embarrassing – does not mean that you have to believe it. If you ignore the
thought for long enough, it will go away.
Q: There is a girl in my class who wants to be my
friend, but my mother does not want me to be friends with her. How can I listen
to my mother and at the same time not hurt the feelings of this girl?
A: This is a very difficult question. You have two
important mitzvos, which contradict each other. First, I would suggest that you
discuss this with your mother. Find out more details about what she is
concerned about. Perhaps you can be friends at school and not go to her house
after school. After you have clarified the problem with your mother, I would
suggest that you daven to Hashem for a solution. There are many places in the
davening for private tefilos. For
example, in “Atah chonen,” where you
are asking for understanding or in “sim shalom,
where you are asking for peace. Every day, when you leave for school, you can
daven at the mezuzah as you leave your house for the wisdom to do the right
thing.
Q: I have a very good friend in my class. She
is struggling with questions about Yiddishkeit. How can I be there for my
friend without being dragged down by her questions?
A: There are answers to all questions, but
you are too young to be able to answer them yourself. You don’t have enough
life experience to know all the answers, and it is probably dangerous for you
to discuss these topics with your friend. This is a case of chayecha kodmim,
your life comes first; it is too risky for you to try to help her. Even if your
emunah is rock solid, hearing
somebody else’s questions can be unnerving. Don’t abandon your friend but try
to encourage her to find an older, more experienced person to talk to and then
daven for her so that Hashem will help her get back onto the true path.
Q: I am in the ninth grade in a new school, and I am
finding it difficult to make friends. Most of the girls in the class are coming
into the school with their friends from elementary school and are very cliquey.
What do you think I should do? Will the situation get better on its own?
A: I can tell from the words of encouragement
that you left for me on the phone that you are a very mature girl and care a
lot about other people’s feelings. You don’t even know me, but your words made
me feel very good. I would suggest that you look around the room and find one
girl who seems special to you and try to befriend her individually. That might
be easier than trying to break into a whole group. I would encourage all the
girls who are listening to these questions to look around their class and see
girls who might be left out and include them with your friends. Treat other
girls as you would want to be treated.
* * *
This is just a
sampling of the hundreds of questions on this hotline. If you are a teenager,
call in yourself. You can ask your own questions or learn something new. The
number is 845-330-3301.
