Dear Rebbetzin Katz,
I realize that your goal is more than just getting a couple under the chupa but also making certain that the simcha between the chassan and kalla is a lasting one. My husband and I find ourselves dealing with some issues regarding my son and his kalla that give us reason to worry about that outcome.
Some background: Our kids have all chosen different paths along the “derech” – some to the right, some to the left – and their spouses reflect those choices. As a result, their desires and needs before and after their weddings have varied widely. We tried to be even-handed with our children, setting aside money over the years to help them achieve their goals: getting through yeshiva, undergraduate, and sometimes post-graduate educations. We have made weddings and helped them get a start in their married lives. The amounts for each child were roughly equivalent, but the way it was spent has been different. For instance, one kalla is a baalas teshuva who wasn’t into jewelry, and she chose other things instead of the usual kalla gifts. We paid for another son who chose to go to graduate school and have a very minimalist wedding, while his more yeshivish brother, who is now the chassan, went to Eretz Yisrael to learn post-high school (which wasn’t for free). Our unmarried daughter had a fully-paid-for graduate education, but she knows that it means that if she wants to have a “royal wedding,” she will have to pay for part of it with her own savings.
We have agreed, along with our future mechutanim, to help subsidize a year in kollel for the new couple, which will ultimately spend down the funds we have set aside for our yeshivish child. Now we are hearing that, after this extended honeymoon, our black-hat boy is thinking of going on to graduate school. We also hear that our daughter-in-law-to-be is thinking that we will pay for it, “the same” as we did for our other children. She is also annoyed that she did not get all of the same things that she perceives her sister-in-law received as gifts from us, even though this kalla’s jewelry taste has put a heavy dent in our wedding fund.
My husband is really angry at her attitude. He wants to sit the couple down with a spreadsheet to show them the expenses and how it worked. I believe how the other siblings chose to use our gifts to them is really not their brother’s and his kalla’s business. I’m afraid that this will shter (disrupt) the shidduch, but, at the same time, I worry that if we do nothing there will be long-term resentment over what “everyone else” got that they seemingly didn’t. To add to it, we just cannot afford to pay for his grad school on top of what we have given them already, and we cannot let them plan their future based on that expectation. What should we do?
Sincerely,
Living in New York But Raised Out-of-Town
Dear Living,
I see from your letter that you are both very oisgerechent (practical) and know what you are able to do and what not. Accordingly, you have been fair, although your generosity has been expressed differently depending on the child and his or her situation. The road you are on is a tough one. You are in a Catch-22 situation, since whatever you do has its pitfalls. If you give them the money they are demanding, the other children will become angry, and if you don’t give it to them, this couple will become angry. This is the society we live in today, unfortunately.
You do not have to sit down with a spreadsheet. Your finances and financial decisions are none of their business. Rather, the young couple should respect you and what you tell them. As a newcomer to the family, the kalla does not know your philosophy and may have grown up with a different approach or parents who are wealthier. Still, I don’t think it is appropriate for her to get involved in your financial matters. You asked what she wanted, you gave it to her, and she should be satisfied. (Actually, one doesn’t have to give anything more than a ring.) If you say that one of the daughters-in-law couldn’t care less about jewelry and got other things instead, then what is the kalla complaining about? As a true bas Yisrael, she should understand that you gave each child according to their needs and your particular economic situation at that time. If she has “champagne taste,” and more was spent on her kalla gifts than on those of the other children, she should understand the reasoning behind it and not be so demanding. Instead, she should appreciate all that you did for her.
As for graduate school, you can’t compare it to learning Torah in kollel, of course, and you have stated that you can’t give him both. If your son wants to go to grad school, he needs to make an effort and find a way to accomplish that goal on his own. I know of many young men who are in kollel and also work part-time, tutoring or teaching, and save up money to go to school. It may diminish part of his learning, but he can still learn two sedarim, which is the majority of his time. (I assume, by the way, that you also paid for his undergraduate degree or is it a BTL?) In any event, yeshiva, as you mention, cost you, too.
“Standards” have been set. Where they come from I don’t know. What you must give a chassan or kalla is somehow expected, regardless of a family’s situation. In addition, because of the value we place on learning, I can see a young man claiming – or having a rav claim for him – that because he wants to be a ben Torah you must give him extra. It doesn’t work that way, in my opinion, because such a move on your part may break the shalom bayis of your whole family. The other children, even though they may admire learning, when it comes to monetary matters that affect them, are likely to be resentful.
You are not the only family that finds itself in this situation. There are many families today with the same issue – and don’t forget about those who must send daughters to seminary. That bill alone is enough to pay for a chasana. It’s the same in Israel: Parents must contribute half the cost of an apartment. What if people don’t have it and have other children to marry off? It doesn’t matter. This is what it is, and if you want your child to make a shidduch, you have to struggle to make it work. I am not a fan of any of this.
It is very possible that a guilt trip will be placed on you. But remember, you still have a daughter to marry off, and you must prepare and think of your own future as well. Who is going to take care of you?
What to do? I would sit down with the new couple and give them a general view of your philosophy. Stay calm, kind, and in control, but never go into particulars. Just tell them this is the way you have lived your lives, and this is what you can do. You must be strong and stick to your values. If it does break the shidduch, then it wasn’t a proper shidduch to begin with.
The only question that bothers me is why your son did not know about your philosophy and situation before he got engaged. Did you not discuss it with him and the other children? Did he not have this kollel/college plan and discuss it with you beforehand?
I assume that you never had any problems before, and this all came up after he was engaged. But, whether or not mistakes in communication were made, if these young people are true bnei Torah, they should act in a bekovedekeh (honorable) manner. There are many things that come up in life that are not what we expect or desire. For instance, it has happened in many cases that parents committed to support the couple, and then the father lost his job or some other calamity occurred, and they were not able to continue their support.
Your son and his kalla should solve their own problems and not depend on either set of parents. They should strive to build a home that is infused with ruchnius (spirituality). As frum people, we do not have to keep up with the Joneses, even if those Joneses are named “Cohen.”
This is a generation, unfortunately, where many of the young people believe that everything is “coming” to them. No one has to do anything for themselves. They will be taken care of. It has to stop, and maybe you should be the parents that say ad kan, enough already.
I hope I have given you a little insight into your question. I wish you hatzlacha (success) in whatever you decide. May the Ribono Shel Olam guide you in the right way.
