To the Shadchan:
I’ve gone out with a girl several times, and I really like her. She is very empathetic, kind, and loving, among other wonderful attributes. Although we met casually, and not through a shadchan, we seem to have the same religious hashkafos. We are both graduates of similar day schools, but our homes are somewhat different. I come from an upper-middle class background – the kind of home that is described as “balabatish,” with all the positives and negatives that that term connotes. Her family is more freewheeling. For instance, her siblings are all shomer Shabbos but of various types.
On our last date, we got on the topic of children, and she said she would not want to send her children to one of the long-established day schools, which we both attended. I already knew we were not on the same page politically. I am a lawyer and a political conservative. And I see that she mostly agrees with what I consider extreme liberal views. She looks at things from a very personal point of view – like how people feel. While I admire her good middos and compassion, I don’t think important policy decisions should be made on the basis of emotion.
If we were to get married, I thought I could handle not discussing politics. But after her recent comments, I am wondering what else she believes and whether her decision style is very antithetical to mine. Would she be against vaccinating our children, for example? Would she want to home school? That’s really not my speed. I’m more conventional and don’t especially like practices and institutions that are not mainstream.
How important are political/social issues like this in a marriage? At what point do the differences become too great? Is it possible to work them out, or is the relationship doomed?
Thank you for any opinion you can offer.
The Shadchan answers:
I must commend you, first of all, for going the “casual” route. There is nothing wrong with meeting without a shadchan, so that shouldn’t even come into play in your deliberations. You state that you have the same religious hashkafos (views), which is a plus for the success of the shidduch. As far as the family dynamics, if they all get along, it should not in any way impact upon your marriage.
It seems to me that you have many doubts about where the young lady stands on multiple issues. Educating the children may just be the tip of the iceberg. I see that you have had discussions on these topics, and I believe that the discussions were very much on the surface, or, if not, you are not satisfied with the outcome. The biggest question I have is why have you not asked her these questions straight out? Why have you not broached the issues of home school and vaccinations directly?
I understand that you may be hesitant to bring them up because you believe they are “hot button topics.” But it is a sign of a mature and serious relationship to be able to discuss such issues openly. Of course, you want to make sure to broach them in a non-confrontational way. You clearly know her well already, and I would therefore advise you to bring up these issues in a way that is open and honest but as sensitive as possible. This is the only way you can be sure of the answers to your questions. Not knowing the girl, I certainly don’t know what she would answer.
Regarding your next question about bringing such differences into a marriage, I know many couples where one party is a conservative and the other is a liberal. As long as the arguments do not become personal, it is a good way to discuss the needs of a city, a country – and a family. This should in no way detract from a shidduch, unless the views are held so strongly that one or both parties feel that they must convert the entire world to their way of thinking. That would definitely not be a good way to start a relationship.
You both seem to be older, mature, and able to express your thoughts and feelings, which you have developed over the years. I see some serious red flags, however, which I will try to explain. But the two of you have to find the solutions. For example, you state that you are not sure if this girl would want to send the children to a regular yeshiva day school or would want to home school. Without any judgment about which is a better type of education, I believe there should be general consensus from day one on how the children will be educated. One cannot foresee the future, and for reasons that neither you nor I can imagine, you may move to a different community, and you may have to decide between home schooling, general schooling, or perhaps some third alternative. You must agree from the outset how you would address such a scenario. Obviously, this goes for vaccinations and other health-related topics as well. I believe there must be very close agreement from the start on such important topics.
From the tone of your questions, and knowing that you are a lawyer by profession, I assume that you are a person who makes his own decisions. You look at the pros and cons of clients and their needs and do your best for them. You also know that there is someone who may oppose you, and so you appear in court ready to have someone judge between you. I feel that, in this case too, if you cannot work out these issues together, a third party is needed. I would therefore advise you to consult, as necessary, with either a professional or a rav, who may be able to help you and the young lady come to some conclusions and understanding.
If you really like her, I do not think you should be discouraged, but you must do some work, both individually and as a couple, in order to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. I wish you much hatzlacha (success), and I hope that everything works out well for the two of you.
