To the Shadchan:
I met a guy in graduate school, and we have been going out for a few months now. We have a wonderful relationship, and he is starting to bring up marriage. I think he would make a great husband. He is very nice, observant, and has a career ahead of him. And we enjoy each other’s company.
So what’s the problem? His mother. He is the youngest child in the family and is very close with his mother. In fact, at age 26, he still lives at home. I have met his mother a few times and have eaten there on Shabbos. She is a personable and intelligent woman but very overbearing and opinionated. For example, one Shabbos, her daughter and son-in-law’s family were also at the table. One of their children was misbehaving, and the mother was criticizing the way they handled it, right in front of the child. The parents of the child backed down. My impression is that she is used to everyone listening to her and doing what she says.
Also, she asks too many questions, about everything. She seems to know a lot about me – too much. She was widowed many years ago and doesn’t seem to have many friends. Her whole life has been about her children.
I grew up in a home where I was taught to be respectful to adults, and I would never say anything inappropriate. But I am worried. If I marry this man, it seems like it will be a marriage of three. I’ve seen marriages break apart over that scenario. I would be really sad to end this, yet I am afraid. Should I run while I can, or do you think this is a manageable situation? If so, how should I go about it?
The Shadchan Answers:
A few questions came out strongly as I read your letter. First, you do not mention whether you and the guy have discussed your feelings about his mother. If you have, what was his reaction? You say he lives with her. Does she currently control him financially? Is he happy with his relationship with his mother, or does he have reservations? If he is not happy with the situation then why does he not move out?
It is possible that you are seeing things the way you would like to see them and not as they really are. For example, at the table, maybe the mother’s reaction to the misbehavior was to let the child know that this kind of behavior was not acceptable. But regardless of the grandmother’s motivation, I agree that it was none of her business and she overstepped the boundaries. Was this incident an exception, or are there other such examples?
You also do not say if you have discussed with your young man the values upon which you want to build a home. My thoughts are that if you really like him and have the same hashkafos (religious outlook), then you can work out any problems with the mother-in-law together. I have said numerous times that marriage is give and take. There are trade offs in life, and you should be able to work this out as a couple. For instance, have you talked about where you would live? Perhaps he wants to relocate, and then part of your dilemma would be solved.
This woman is not the only mother whose whole life has been her children. In fact, you could view her devotion to her children as responsible for the qualities you admire in her son. To a great extent, it is she who has made him into the pleasant and responsible person he is.
That said, you may be correct in concluding that the mother is overbearing. It is unfortunate that some parents just don’t get it, and I am aware of couples who became estranged from their parents in order to save their marriage. Yes, as you write, marriage is about two people, not three. You will need to explain to him that this is unacceptable. It is very possible that none of the other children have stood up to their mother, and so he may consider her meddling normal.
Still, don’t be quick to give up this opportunity. You don’t give up a shidduch because of the mother. There are more important things in a marriage and in life than worrying about a mother-in-law. You need to be strong. If you really like the guy and see a future with him, discuss the issue openly. Just remember to be gentle when you talk to him. Every man loves his mother, and you don’t want to set up an adversarial relationship before you even start!
Since I don’t see a shadchan involved in this scenario, before you take such a big step as breaking up, I would speak to a third party and/or professional (either with him or by yourself) and see how you to address the situation. I would not take go further until you do so. This person may help you see things in a different light.
Hatzlacha rabba, and I hope everything works out for you.
