To the Shadchan:
I am looking for some direction. I am a 39-year-old single woman working in an office. I’m happy with my job, and I have good friends that I like to spend time with and travel with. I live with my parents. I could live on my own, but I enjoy my family’s company. We are very family-oriented and often get together with extended family, including my siblings and many nieces and nephews.
Recently, someone suggested a 40-year-old guy from Florida for me. As always, my mother started calling around to find out the basics, and when the prospect sounded interesting, she made a barrage of phone calls to his references to find out more details. The guy had said yes, but when he was told that my mother was making all these calls, he was turned off and changed his mind.
My mother feels that she is doing all this research for my benefit. The problem is that there are too many questions and they are too intrusive. She is asking the same kinds of questions about a 40-year-old as about the 22-year-olds who are suggested for her granddaughters (who, by the way, are already dating). It’s enough to intimidate anyone.
I know she is trying to be a good mother, but I have felt uncomfortable with this for some time. This is first time (that I know of!) that it has actually impacted the shidduch. You will probably tell me that I should just discuss it with my mother and ask her to stop. This would be painful as my mother and I are very close. Perhaps you can suggest a way to explain to my mother that I am beyond the age when it is appropriate for her to be calling for me. I do make calls myself, but living in the same house, it is hard to keep things secret. It would also offend my mother to not be kept in the loop. Thank you in advance for your help.
The Shadchan answers:
This is such a sensitive topic for me that I don’t know where to begin. I will try to help you see through your dilemma; hopefully there will be light at the end of the tunnel.
I am not one who promotes extensive research. You find out about the family, go out once, see if it is shayach (in the ballpark) and, if it is, continue with research. So much time is wasted with overdone research, and many times it is about narishkeit (trivialities). In my experience, many people have gone out once, were very excited, and then continued their checking. Many of them are married and seeing much nachas.
Your mother apparently does not realize what a detriment her calling around is. (Hopefully, she realizes it now.) How many other shidduchim said “no” to you, while you wondered why. Perhaps it was because of the excessive questions, but people did not want to hurt your feelings. I tell girls much younger than you that if they are old enough to get married, they are old enough to do their own research.
Here we are in the midst of a “shidduch crisis,” yet we make our own crises. It is things like overly meticulous investigations that turn people off. There are so many beautiful people available out there who are not interested in this research. They will skip the person who demands it and go on to the next one on the list. I once heard Rabbi Henoch Teller speak on just this topic. His answer was: Enough with these FBI investigations, these 100 phone calls! You make one or two calls and that is it!
This is what was done in my day. You made one phone call to find out about the family. You don’t know a person anyway until you meet him, no matter how many calls you make. I have spoken to mothers over the years who were looking for a shidduch for their divorced daughter. I asked them, “Did you not check?” They said, yes, we checked and we checked, and it was all a bunch of lies. So you see, sometimes, the entire process is useless.
After your mother heard interesting basics, why in the world would she continue calling? The man is 40 years old. He has been around for a while. He is not a young yeshiva man who is planning to sit and learn, where one asks all types of questions regarding future plans, etc. He is, I assume, an established individual who can stand on his own two feet. These unnecessary phone calls signaled a “red flag” for him. I imagine him asking himself, why is a girl of 39 having her mother research for her? Doesn’t she know more than anyone else what she is looking for? He might also be thinking: If her mother is so controlling and overbearing before we go out, what kind of mother-in-law will she be? I would not blame him in the least for being “turned off.”
I am not telling you to ask your mother to stop because you and your parents have become so entwined with each other that it is not going to stop. You are 39 and still living at home. You mention that you have many friends, like to travel, and enjoy your family’s company. You need to make the move. You need to move out of the house and get on with your life. It’s never too late. You have been living with your parents for close to 40 years. It is time. Girls younger than you can’t wait to establish themselves and move in with a roommate or take an apartment on their own. You can be very family-oriented and yet be on your own. This does not have to mean that you can’t “keep her in the loop,” but she does not have to know every little thing, and you can go ahead on your own and “surprise” her. Perhaps you may meet someone, and she will have nothing to do with the situation until you bring him to meet your parents.
Your mother will not be happy when you take this major step. In the end, however, she may come to realize that this was not a strike against your “closeness,” rather, it was done for the well being of everyone. She will be very happy when she sees you walking down to the chuppa with the man of your dreams, despite her not having been involved every step of the way. Hatzlacha!
