To the Shadchan:
Then I met her family. They are a
bunch of weirdos. The siblings have no direction and hang out all day. There
are lots of family fights, and the parents seem very clingy. They are pushy, kvetchy, and they don’t vaccinate. They
live in a different town but not far enough to stop lots of visits.
As far as the girl goes I would
marry her today. If I knew what I know now, I would not have gone out with her.
But I did, and I really like her. She is wonderful – nothing like her family.
She herself doesn’t speak badly of her family and doesn’t recognize what I do.
My family is nice and normal, the
kind of people others like to spend time with. So I am really worried about her
family; I don’t think I will ever get used to them. Sometimes I think this is
too risky a situation for me to get into. Other times, I think maybe it will
all balance out. So my question is, how important is the girl’s family?
The Shadchan answers:
First, a general comment: I am a little amazed that you
only checked into the girl and her family superficially. Whenever one does not
know the suggesting shadchan well
(such as on dating sites), he or she may want to do some extra checking. But
that’s water under the bridge. Even though you were not expecting it to work
out, you “fell” for her. So this was the surprise of your life!
Thankfully, you found someone you really like and are
seriously considering marrying. You are now faced with a serious dilemma: Do
you drop her because of her family, or do you continue seeing each other with
the hopes that everything will straighten out?
Family is very important in a marriage, but remember, you
are not marrying the family but the wonderful daughter they somehow raised in
spite of their idiosyncrasies. Even though they are close by, they are not
going to be knocking on your door day and night. Some new couples are more
independent, and some are more reliant on their parents and siblings. You need
to know yourself. Do you plan to be very close to family in the beginning of the
marriage? From the fact that you are already working and using a dating
website, my guess is no. However, someone who plans to be very reliant on
family may want to pay closer attention to a potential spouse’s family
dynamics.
I suggest that you discuss with the girl you are dating
your need to set parameters in the beginning regarding your relationship with
her family. However, you cannot alienate the girl from her parents, and you
must understand that you will need to spend some time with them. Regarding your
specific concerns: What do you care if the siblings have no direction? That
should not be your concern because it has obviously not rubbed off on their
sister as she worked hard to become who she is.
You also mention COVID vaccination, but, again, their
personal medical choices should not be your concern. On the other hand, if the
girl herself is against standard childhood vaccinations, that could be a
problem and should be discussed with her beforehand.
You need to go into the marriage with a positive attitude
toward her family. You never know: Maybe they just need you as a shot in
the arm to change their lifestyle. Perhaps you should stop trying to “judge the
book by its cover” and give them a chance. Should you marry, you and the
young lady must be a united front and try to work with them. It might help
to recognize that, had you taken the time to check them out before you met, you
would have missed the opportunity to meet their wonderful daughter. Hashem
certainly had a plan here.
You do not mention if she has met your family. There may be
things about them that turn her off even though you feel they are perfect. She
might have to grapple with similar issues. As time goes on, it is natural to
pull away from one’s birth family and create your own unit, as is described in Parshas Bereishis. I do not think you
should let this shidduch go because,
in many instances, people check and check the family and, afterwards, find out
that reality is very different from what they are told. There are all kinds of
people that make up this world, and you just learn to live with them.
I hope I alleviated some of your anxiety and wish you hatzlacha in whatever you decide to do.
