I am 28 years old
and have been going out with a young man for a few weeks, and I am torn. He is
crazy about me and is ready to get engaged. In fact, he hints at it every time
we go out. I feel under tremendous pressure. I like him, and he meets a lot of
qualities on my “list.” He is very smart. He is capable, honest, and
hardworking. Yet, I find myself unable to say yes. I’m not sure what is holding
me back. I just have a gut feeling that something is not right. Some of his
behaviors bothered me, but I am not sure if they are significant or not. I
enjoy his company, most of the time, more or less, but I don’t really miss him
when we’re not together, and I don’t feel happy or excited about the prospect
of getting engaged. If I say yes, it will be from a practical point of view. I
am an “older single,” after all. By the way, I don’t think that going out
longer will help me make up my mind. I see who he is. The dilemma for me is can
I make a life with a good person who is offering me marriage, children, the
whole deal, or should I take a chance on finding someone with whom I can share
deeper feelings.
The Shadchan Answers:
You pose a very difficult question which I will try to
answer with the little information that I have.
You need to be honest with yourself about
what you are feeling. Are your concerns realistic, or is this all in your head?
Is there really something wrong, or are you just afraid to commit? Is this
first time you are facing this dilemma in a serious dating relationship, or has
it happened in the past as well?
It is normal to fear the unknown when
making life decisions. Indeed, that is what life is – facing the unknown. But
if this has happened before, and/or you suspect you may be experiencing a fear
of commitment, then I would recommend that you meet with a professional to help
you analyze if you are just afraid of the unknown or of losing your independence.
If you are sure you are not having
“commitment problems,” then I would consider the depth of your relationship
with the young man you are dating. You say that he meets a lot of the qualities
that you are looking for in a husband, yet something is holding you back, and
you are not sure what is. While I would generally encourage someone to not
reject a nice person and good candidate, I know that it is possible for someone
to be “perfect” on paper yet not “click” in person. Your decision cannot be only a practical one. You should also
listen to your “gut.”
Maybe a few weeks is too short a time to
really know someone. Although he is ready to “pop the question,” you are
not. I do not agree with your statement that going out longer would not help. Therefore,
my primary suggestion to you is to continue going out and getting to know each
other. Maybe you will discover what is bothering you or, alternatively, come to
accept these behaviors and regard them as a minor concern. Perhaps you will
share “deeper feelings” and gain a better understanding of how you feel about
him.
As you continue to see each other, push
yourself to look for the good in him. Ask yourself each time you go out, what
are two things that I enjoy about his personality? Many people tend to look for
faults and concentrate on the negative. Of course, I would never advise you to
marry someone you don’t like, but give yourself a chance to like him. You will
also have more time to observe how he treats you (and others) in different
situations.
Another thing: I feel that, before a couple
makes a final commitment, they should be able to discuss anything and
everything without worrying about what the other person will say. Are you
able to share feelings with each other? Does he know how you feel about your
relationship? How well are you able to discuss mutual concerns? Have you gone
deep into discussions about the future and what you would like as far as
children, schooling, and hashkafos
about life? These kinds of conversations are critical for a dating relationship
to move forward, especially for singles who are a little “older.”
Obviously, when you have such discussions,
they must be done with care and empathy for the other person’s feelings. If you
do not trust him enough to have these conversations, or if you continue to have
significant negative feelings about him, then I question whether you are as
invested in this relationship as he is. Especially in our circles, I find
that the older a couple is, the longer it takes to make decisions and
connections in this area. You should not feel pressured to conform to an expected
“shidduch timeline.” You should feel comfortable to take as much time as you
need to allow your relationship with this young man to develop. If he respects
you and really wants to marry you, he should be enough of a mensch to give you this time. However,
if he continues to pressure you and is not sensitive to your concerns, then you
have your answer.
To conclude, I do not advise you to drop
the shidduch in the hopes that you
will find someone else, because you never know what the next person will be
like. I’m sure I don’t have to remind you that quality guys don’t come up too
often, and it only gets harder the older one gets.
If, after trying these suggestions, you
find that you continue to have doubts and cannot “make up your mind,” then it
is unfair for you to string him along. If you are really leaning towards ending
this relationship, I would recommend that you to speak to a rav, professional, or trusted mentor
before you make that final decision. This young man sounds like a very fine
person, and it seems to me like your fears are normal concerns that daters
often face. But you are the final judge.
I hope I have given you some positive
feedback and that you will go to the chuppa
very soon. I wish you much hatzlacha
in whatever you decide.
