To the Shadchan:
I dated a girl for about half a year, and we finally got engaged. Then Corona hit. With lockdown, no large gatherings were allowed, and my kallah’s mother said, you can’t get married now. The mother is a “party lady” and has been looking forward to her only daughter’s wedding for a long time. My kallah and I said we’ll get married in a backyard with a minyan, but the mother said absolutely not. She told her daughter, “If he loves you, he will wait.” The mother was adamant, and the father went along with her. The grandparents got involved and gave their opinion: no.
It is now two years later. We are
planning a wedding in a few months. The mother says that all the guests have to
test for Covid before coming. I certainly don’t like that idea. At this point,
I am having doubts about the marriage. My kallah is a wonderful person, and we
have been through so much together (including a lot of arguments), but I am very
concerned about the family and the influence they will have on us. At the
beginning I thought they were the perfect family, loving and involved – my own
parents are uninvolved in my life – and the siblings are great, etc. But this Covid
situation has brought out some very controlling tendencies. I am also disappointed
that my kallah didn’t have the backbone to stand up to her parents. Why is she
listening to them and not to me?
I could still get out of it, but
should I? As I said above, I am conflicted. I’ve put so much time into this
relationship and would happily marry the girl – but I’m worried about her crazy
family.
The Shadchan Answers:
First of all, we know that Corona is a dreaded disease. It has
targeted many people, including gedolim,
who were niftar before their
time, or so it seems to us. Now the worst of the pandemic may be over, but
some individuals have been so obsessed with the entire pandemic that they are
having a difficult time getting back to a normal way of life. In addition,
you must understand that, for many people, simchas are not only the joy they
feel and want to share with others; they also feel obligated to reciprocate the
invitations of those who invited them to their simchas. Obviously, your
kallah’s mother is one of them.
I’m sure you are aware of the chasanas that took place in backyards, without all the pomp and
circumstance. Later on, when the disease slowed down, there were many
receptions held to celebrate the simcha. If you remember, people concurred
in the fact that the purpose of the wedding is chupah vekedushin – the holy ceremony – and a family did not have
to spend thousands of dollars and compare themselves to the Joneses. Maybe
Hashem was telling us that it was time to cut down on our lavish parties and
get back to the basics.
However, the kallah’s mother seems hung up on her dream
and won’t give up. I don’t understand why everyone is on her side and not
showing her how wrong she is. It says in the Torah, “ushmartem es nafshosaychem,” one has to protect one’s life and
health, but I don’t see where it says that you have to control everyone’s
life. There are two sides to this story. There are people who refuse to
get vaccinated and continue to wear masks, but they go their own way and don’t
demand that other people do the same.
It is ridiculous for this mother to want everyone tested
before they come in the door. Will they have to show their card? How will
she know? I can just imagine her planning this lavish affair and maybe 50
family members will show up. No one wants to be told that you must get
tested! Many individuals have chosen not to. On the other hand, if she is
so adamant about it, let her print the invitations stating “Guests are required
to wear a mask.” If they choose to come, they will, and if not, it is their
choice.
Your kallah, it seems, is the only girl in the family but,
I assume, not the only child. Didn’t her brothers have a say in the matter?
And why did she not revolt? Could it be that the mother is not happy with the shidduch and this is her way of trying
to break it up? Enough already!!
Truly, right now, the easiest thing to do is for her to
take a stand and have a chupah with a minyan, and you will be married. You
are now in limbo. Something has got to give, and I think it is time for you and
your kallah to have a meeting with a Rav and see what he recommends you
do. There is an issue here of kibud av
va’eim, but she is making it quite difficult for you to honor her parents
at this point. I would speak to the Rav and see what he thinks: How much longer
can this go on? It is not fair to either of you. If the Rav agrees
with you and the mother does not abide by his ruling, then it will be time for
you to say adios,
farewell. However, she should be aware that if this does occur, word will
get out, and it will be very difficult for her daughter to find another shidduch.
I do agree with you that this could be a sample of what
your married life will be like if the mother gets her way in this. She
seems to be a “controlling mother,” and this will play a part in your entire
married life. You and the kallah must take a united stand now and continue
with your plans, even for a small chupah. The mother will eventually come
around when she sees that the two of you are not listening to her. If your
kallah is not willing to do this, even after you get a psak from daas Torah,
then it is time for you to move on – despite the strong feelings you have for
each other, and even after all you have gone through.
We have a wonderful Vaad Harabbanim who have guided us
throughout this pandemic, and we have tremendous hakoras hatov (gratitude) to them. Please ease your anxieties and
try to meet with the Rav of your choice and to see how to proceed.
I hope I have given you some insight and you will go to
the chupah very soon. Hatzlacha!
