The only thing that seems to fluctuate faster than the stock market is one’s ratings as a mother. It seems that the qualifications of motherhood cover a very wide range. In fact, that range includes everything, leaving me and fellow mothers to being rated on multiple levels. Here is an exhausting though not exhaustive glimpse at some of the categories on which one’s success in motherhood hinges: intelligence, fashion, cooking, carpool, candy, and yes, even the frequency with which one requires her children to shower.
This all came to my attention many years ago when visiting with a friend. Without warning, her sweet toddler’s delight at receiving a delicious brownie turned into anger when her mother refused to allow her to grind it into the carpet. In response to this absurd limitation that was being imposed, the little girl pushed away her mother’s hand and exclaimed in anger, “No like you!” Believe it or not, my friend was thrilled. She and I had just had the honor of hearing her daughter’s first complete sentence. Without a moment’s hesitation, my friend called her husband, who quickly called his parents, who immediately called every person they knew in Brooklyn. In addition to witnessing someone celebrating a developmental milestone with an entire borough of New York, it was also my first inkling that the fluctuation in “motherhood ratings” might eventually put the Dow Jones Industrial Average to shame.
Now don’t get me wrong. Motherhood isn’t all about criticism. There are areas in which it is relatively easy to receive high marks. For example, in the areas of nosh, carpool, and showering. Nosh ratings are dependent on frequency and volume – no surprises there. High carpool marks are easily earned by being on time and occasionally stopping for a Slurpee. However, the fact that the showering category even exists came as a bit of a surprise. Then again, there’s not much about parenting that has actually gone according to my expectations.
So, here’s how the showering thing works: Although the information was collected via a conversation overheard while driving carpool, I think we can all agree that ten-year-old boys are considered to be experts in all matters of dirt, as well as wise beyond their years in the matters of water. Well, here are the results: It seems – and there was a consensus on this – that mothers who ask their sons if they want to shower are “way-better” than mothers who tell their sons that they must shower. An additional variable that plays a role in this is the frequency at which the “asking” takes place. If you’re wondering where you rank in this category, try to unobtrusively compare your son to his friends. If he is a slightly darker shade of beige than his compatriots, you probably scored well in this area.
Now, each child has his or her own way of getting the point across when it comes to letting you know where you stand. There are those who give you the silent treatment, and there are those who stomp off to their rooms. Then there are the children who write love/hate notes. These can get a little confusing as evidenced by the fact that at the end of an “I hate mommy” letter, the child signs off, “Love (name).” Nevertheless, being able to “read” your child is essential for knowing when they are upset or, in many cases, when they are not.
You see, writing is not just a means by which children express their displeasure. Children have also been known to put their “good” feelings into writing, too. A friend of mine related this to me: She recently had to attend the “teacher part” of parent/teacher conference night. Not having a babysitter, she took her two younger children along. Luckily a healthy supply of markers, stickers, and papers kept them busy for the next two hours. (I know you’re wondering how that’s possible, but I guess it could happen). After she wrapped up her last conference, she showed her children where they could hang up the pictures they had drawn. Because it was already getting late, she didn’t really take a look at them. The next day when she sat down at her desk, her eyes were first met by a lovely picture decorated with butterflies and flowers that her daughter had drawn. The words, “I love you” were going down the middle of the page while off to the side was the phrase “Mothers are the Best Teachers You Can Have!!” (Clearly that’s one smart little girl.) Next to this, scrawled across a different piece of paper, was her son’s rendition of the same sentiment. It simply read, “Sometimes mothers are actually useful.”
Well, she thought, good to know.
Another area where children often seem to be a little uncertain is regarding their mother’s level of intelligence. On the one hand, they have the impression, albeit a false one, that mothers possess an almost prophet-like level of knowledge. They are convinced that we have insider information regarding the location of every item in the refrigerator. They also think we can conjure up library books at a moment’s notice and that we have an internal GPS that can pinpoint any lost toy, book, or clothing item. This expectation of “knowing” can rise to an even higher level. On a recent trip to the New York area, my son asked me the proverbial question, “Are we there yet?”
Although this is generally a reasonable question, here’s the thing: I wasn’t actually on the trip. I was talking to him on the phone because I had stayed behind to go to work. Needless to say, I didn’t know the answer, but I was flattered by his misplaced confidence in my extrasensory abilities.
But have no fear! There is no chance for an inflated ego in motherhood. The pedestal on which we are sometimes placed has been known to crumble at a moment’s notice, like the time one of my nephews was in first grade. After breezing through a homework assignment containing addition problems that had only two numbers each, for example 2+3=__ (feel free to think “5”), he was suddenly accosted by a problem containing the sum of three numbers. Luckily, his mother was ready to take on the challenge in this seemingly impossible task. Upon finishing the remaining problems with him, he turned to her with a look of awe and asked, “How did you know how to do that?” She shrugged her shoulders and simply said, “I’m smart.”
After a brief, but thoughtful moment of silence, he responded, “No, really?” So much for those ratings.
As your children (aka your daughters) get older, the issue of fashion plays a major role in your ratings. This includes skirt lengths, the style of your shoes, the patterns on your shirt and of course, what you thought was your choice regarding whether or not to wear your shaitel. At some point, though, you realize that you really have no choice in any of these matters. One mother found this out when her daughter asked if she would come and give a talk to her class on career day. After experiencing a brief surge of pleasure at having been asked, she readily accepted the invitation. Her daughter sheepishly made a second but perhaps more sincere request, which was, “But, could I tell you what to wear?” Needless to say, she acquiesced. After all, her ratings were at stake.
All in all, keeping your ratings high is generally pretty easy. I personally did drop a few points when I wouldn’t let my one of my children put silly putty in the microwave to see what would happen. And I know that my ratings took a dive when I refused to let my kids eat all of their Purim candy in one sitting. But as time goes on, the balancing act that is necessary between knowing when to say “yes” or “no” is getting a little clearer. Once they start asking for the car keys, I’ll probably be wishing that “brownie smashing” was the biggest threat to my ratings.
