Noach, may he rest in peace, had every animal in his tayvah (ark). Let’s review some of them,
starting with the lion, known as the king of the beasts. (Who gave him such a
title? Probably other lions…) When he wished to be heard, the lion gave a loud
roar, and every living chayeh
(animal) froze fearfully in its tracks. So how did Noach calm them down?
Possibly by telling them stories; maybe by tranquilizing them with various
herbs. Lions love to see things move, so perhaps a stage show, with various chayes acting the parts, was presented to
the lion, since he was proclaimed to be the king.
There were lots of problems with
the chayes (animals). For example,
what if the elephant was seasick, how did it let Noach know? And what
medication should it be given? And when the elephant saw a mouse and began
stomping around in panic, nearly causing the ark to sink, how did Noach calm
him down? Nu, these are all questions
that will be answered some day.
Meanwhile, it was raining cats and
dogs, so to speak, and this added to the restlessness of the animals. The so-called
laughing hyena was a problem. Can you imagine this tsutumulter (confused) chayeh
laughing for 40 days! Soon the animals around him (or her) got so frustrated
that they too began laughing, which caused consternation among animals such as
the goats, who practiced serious meditation! Consequently, the goats made funny
sounds directed back to the hyenas. A real chaye
war.
Next, that frumi insect called the praying mantis began praying and gyrating
and threatened to devour the surrounding bugs. This would have upset the plan
of having two of each living thing survive, so Noach arranged a conference, and
there was a compromise: The hyenas would exercise self-control and reduce
laughing sessions, while the goats would apologize to the hyenas and lead them
in yoga sessions.
Nu, one problem is resolved and a new one arises – that’s life.
This new tsoress (trouble) was
initiated by the peacocks and the roosters. Both were birds of a feather, but
they did not flock together. The problem was that each liked to show off. The peacock
waved his large feathers like a lulav
during Sukkot, while the rooster let out a cock-a-doodle-doo in an early
morning concert, waking the other animals. The peacock and the rooster were kavod seekers – a group that isn’t
exactly loved by other chayes. So an oysgemahtert (exhausted) Noach called
another meeting, and a compromise was arranged. “Voss fahr a compromise?” you may wonder. So hare zich tsue (give a listen):
The peacock would fan the stuffy rooms in the ark to
circulate the muggy air, while the rooster would begin his cock-a-doodle-doing
in the evening to confuse Satan and thus keep the place safe. Fahrshteist (get it)?
Which animals had the most
problems adjusting to ark living? you may ask. A good question. Probably the shlahng (snake). The problem was that
the shlang had a shaym rah (bad reputation). Remember what he did? Right: He caused
Eve to eat the apple from the forbidden tree, ultimately causing death – ah chaleriah zohl em chapen (may he be
stricken with cholera). Thus, animals and humans distanced themselves from him,
and the snakes got depressed.
Nu you may ask, iz voss (so
what)? It serves them right! However, when snakes become depressed, they want
to compensate for their negative feelings, and before you can utter “velamalshinim,” they want to conquer
everyone and everything. Review the life of Stalin, Hitler and other yemachshemaynics (some word!). To keep
the snake under control, chayes such
as the elephants and gorillas periodically visited his section of the ark. When
he saw them coming, he cooled it, so to speak.
One of the tallest problems on the
ark was the giraffe. He looked down on the other chayes but did not notice what was going on below his ankles. For
example, there were two skunks that rested near his hooves. Nu, you know the behavior of skunks when
they feel threatened. When the skunks looked up and saw the height of the
giraffes they began to chalesh
(faint) and emit their special “perfume.” Next, the giraffe collapsed and
nearly suffocated the skunks. Meanwhile, the animals that surrounded them
released all types of sounds that nearly drove Noach’s mishpocha crazy. Another meeting took place, and the vote was to
throw the offending chayes overboard.
This decision was rescinded because a world without skunks is unthinkable,
right? Nu, they were given hasrahah (warning) and behaved
themselves – until they got out of the ark. But that’s another miseh.
Were there any chayeh troublemakers? Some say that the
foxes were champion troublemakers because they imagined that they were the
wisest animal. They made deals with the other chayes, such as offering the turtles some eggs in exchange for a
good carp. This nearly caused a major mishap when they opened a window to go
fishing.
Were there any contests on the
ark? Not many, since the nature of animals is to survive, and they did not have
the time to play games. Occasionally some of the more advanced chayes, such as the mahlpes(monkeys), ran up and down the cages and often took a
tumble, making monkeys of themselves. This, however, did not prevent their need
to compete. They also loved war games and nearly killed one another. One chimp tore
a piece of plank from the inside of the ark and began striking another animal. Luckily,
it was feeding time, and apples were tossed into the cage. This ape hated
apples, so he struck the apple with the plank, and some say that’s how baseball
originated. (It becomes more believable when you watch a baseball game.)
And what about football? you may
ask. Actually, the first pigskin was a real pig, tossed around by the monkeys.
So you would think that the chazer
protested. However, this chazer loved
attention, and for recognition he even tolerated being tossed! All the animals
cheered and when the game ended, the chazer
was cheered by the chayes.
Some animals were proud. Although
small in stature, the minks were known to be the bahl gaiveniks (proudniks) of the group. So why should a small animal
be so proud? Right: they were very proud of their beautiful fur. Later, their
descendants would exhibit their furs as pelts on women’s shoulders (at least
until furs started to be outlawed!).
The great day finally arrived, and
the ark landed on Mt. Ararat. Most of the animals were ecstatic. However, there
were animal whiners who protested. They had gotten so used to the rain and
cramped quarters that they enjoyed it. The expression “a worm in horseradish
believes that the radish is sweet” was applicable.
The lambs and goats were joyous since
being cooped up for so many days was very difficult. They were heard to comment
that they would rather be sacrificed than live in such cramped quarters. Having
expressed such a wish, the wish was granted.
Finally all the animals left the
ark and dispersed, and a new world began with promises of an improved
environment. The rest is history.
