There are many areas in which the concept of rotation, exchange, or substitution has been shown to have positive benefits. For example, we learn about crop rotation in social studies, where the goal is to help maintain the balance of nutrients for healthy soil. One of the rules is “to rotate plant families from one season to the next so that related crops are not planted in the same spot more often than every three years or so.” Combine this with the concept that “it takes a village to raise a child,” and the text books could read, “One of the rules is to rotate members of families from one season to the next, so related children are not planted in the same spot more often than every three years or so.” You see what we have here? A survival technique for parents across the globe!
Before you reach for the phone to call child protective services, hear me out. I promise I did not invent this idea. In fact, there are programs where children are exchanged. This doesn’t mean that parents exchange their children for cash or credit, but rather the child exchanges places with a student from another country. You know, you take my kid, I’ll take yours. The goal is for each one to have an international experience, which supposedly serves to broaden one’s horizons and make him or her into a better person. We’re not just talking about a day at a time here either. We’re talking about at least a year.
Now, although I am attempting to capitalize on this idea, I am not proposing anything quite so drastic. In fact, this exchange program – which can be tailored to the needs of any family by taking age, gender, and location into account – can last anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours. But before we get into the nitty-gritty, let’s discuss the goals of the program.
The first goal can be summed up in one word: “chores.” We’ve all noticed how some children can play outside for six hours straight, ride their bike in 90-degree weather or go swimming all afternoon without taking a single break. However, we often find that our image of these energetic children flies in the face of reality when they are asked to perform the torturous act of taking out the garbage or, even worse, picking up their toys from the living room. Just the thought of hard labor throws them into such a tizzy that the whining-to-chore ratio often outweighs the parental benefit of not having to do the chore themselves.
An amazing thing happens, however, if your child has a friend who is visiting at the time. The friend not only pitches in to help without making a peep but often facilitates the situation by getting the resident child to participate in the act of domestic drudgery. Now, when the friend’s parent comes to pick them up and you give a report that is the equivalent of a verbal mitzva note, you are often met with a quizzical look, which is followed by, “Are you talking about my child?”
This is where the exchange program can help. If children were exchanged every Thursday night, Shabbos chores could be accomplished in a fraction of the time. If you capitalize on this concept immediately, you might actually get your sukkah down before Chanukah arrives.
The second goal that one would hope to achieve is information. I’m not asking anyone’s children to serve as a spy or an undercover agent, although I’m sure they’d be happy to do so, especially if a walkie-talkie were thrown into the deal. Really, I’m just trying to help parents find out what happened at camp or school on any given day of the week. We all know that, regardless of whether you turn to strategies touted by child psychologists and reputable educators or to simple bribery, many children are not particularly forthcoming with information. Studies have shown (I’m making this up) that the average number of words given as answer to the question, “What did you do today, sweetie?” is one! The most common one-word response being “nothing.”
I, for one, refuse to believe that after all the tuition dollars and camp fees being spent that any child is doing nothing. The difficulty is in finding out what “nothing” actually means. Here is where the exchange program comes in handy, and it can be easily accomplished if you are part of a carpool. Instead of dropping each child off at his or her designated destination, simply drop them off at someone else’s home. When child X comes waltzing through the door, greet them with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. As soon as they’ve relaxed a bit, start pumping them for information. You can probably find out everything you need to know about your own child in less than 10 minutes.
This model can be put in place for any or all of your children on an “as needed” basis, so that you are not inundated with “exchange children” every afternoon. This will increase the amount of time you can spend with your own children while at the same time cutting down on the amount of money you need to allocate for milk and cookies.
The third and final goal of this program speaks to the age-old issue of whining. We all know that, even in the best of times (we won’t even talk about the worst of times), whining can ensue. Here’s where we introduce a new app called Dial-a-Whine. In this case, instead of rotating children, we rotate parents. Similar to those wonderful individuals who answer calls for Chaverim, Shomrim, and Hatzalah, we will set up a call center. The process will be streamlined, so that children can press #1 to whine about their siblings, #2 for the all-encompassing “I’m bored,” #3 for complaints of “it’s not fair,” and finally #4 – all other complaints. Volunteers will be trained to deal with specific types of whining, addressing issues with alacrity and compassion.
Although transforming the entire human race might be a bit of a stretch, the least we can do is change our own little corner of the world. So the next time you’re faced with one of the aforementioned challenges, just pick up the phone and dial 1-800-XCHANGE to sign up for your “rotation location” spot. It’ll do you a world of good.
