As parents, it is
our job to teach our children many different things. These could include a
simple please/thank you, being respectful of other people’s needs, treating
guests properly, or basic table manners. Sometimes parents will consult their
rav or the child’s teacher for some added insight or ideas on how to best
instruct their children. However, for the most part, children seem to learn by
instruction and by example – until they don’t.
Hachnasas orchim, hospitality, is an important part
of Jewish life. Welcoming guests into our homes means treating them with
respect, making sure they are comfortable, giving them nourishing and tasty
food, and attending to their needs. Although we often include our children in
this mitzva, we also use our children’s play dates as an opportunity to
encourage these traits. In fact, sometimes we are so successful that all of our
efforts backfire.
This happened to
me when my daughter was about three years old. During one of her first play dates,
I brought out her toys. Of course, as fortune would have it, she and her friend
wanted to play with the same doll. I explained to my daughter that since her
friend was the guest, she would be allowed to play with it first. After both
girls got a turn, they moved on to coloring. Of course, as luck would have it,
they both wanted to use the same color crayon. I again leaped at the
opportunity to teach my daughter that the guest should use it first. Finally,
it was time for a snack. I gave my daughter a plate of snacks and told her to
serve her guest first, and then she could take for herself. Just as I was
feeling pleased with myself for finding so many opportunities to inculcate in my
child the importance of this mitzva, my parental prowess was given a direct hit
when my daughter turned to me and asked with in a wistful voice, “When do I get
to be the guest?” Mission failed.
Parents are often
tasked with the job of teaching their children not to bother other people.
Notice this says “other people” and not “other siblings,” which we’re still
working on. Regardless, this skill often
requires “being quiet” on the part of the child. Seasoned parents know this is
an unrealistic expectation, but as a newer parent, I had to learn it firsthand.
You see, we once spent Sukkos in Boro Park when our children were little.
Although we all had a wonderful time the first night, we did get to bed rather
late. Now, in addition to the opportunity to spend time in the sukkah with
other families, part of our Boro Park experience involved sleeping in a small
basement apartment that wasn’t that much bigger than the sukkah in which we
ate.
Unfortunately, as
is often the case, when children go to bed late, they still get up early.
Although hearing our children’s voices is often music to our ears, this was not
the analogy that was running through my mind at 6:00 the next morning. After
repeatedly shushing my children, I finally said in my sternest mommy voice,
“It’s time to be quiet, NOW.” Silence ensued. A quiet enveloped the room. It
lasted for a full three minutes, until my son shouted across the room, “See
mommy, see how quiet we’re being? Can we get a prize?” So much for the sounds of
silence.
Another area in
which parents are compelled to educate their children is gratitude.
Unfortunately, words of gratitude such as “thank you,” along with its
counterpart, “you’re welcome,” are not as obvious to some as they are to
others. I was once visiting a friend who was trying to teach her child the
importance of saying thank you. As parents often do when attempting to prompt
the child to say thank you, the mother, while handing her child a cookie, said
“thank you” in a singsong voice. The child promptly took the cookie, replied in
the same singsong voice, “you’re welcome” and walked away, leaving the mother
looking a little confused.
Teaching one’s
children to get along well with each other is often met with few returns,
unless of course, there is nosh involved. Once I discovered this, I decided to
implement it on our next trip to New York. As is often the case with long car
rides, the main focus of the trip is the special treat that is brought along in
case emergency bribery is necessary. Of course, emergency bathroom stops are a
close second, but since we couldn’t bring along a port-a-potty, nosh was the
best I could do. Attempting to capitalize on my idea of fostering goodwill
among my children, while at the same time making sure they would all like the
nosh, I came up with the great idea of giving them each $5.00 to spend toward
the purchase and allowing them to pool their resources, communicate their
preferences, and negotiate any differences.
What I failed to
take into consideration was that I never spend that much for emergency
roadside nosh, nor did I remember that there are some stores that have BOGO
specials. I certainly did not expect my children to form a mini–United Nations,
in which they scrutinized the cost effectiveness and collective efficacy of
each type of candy from all angles. Needless to say, this has gone down in
history as the best trip ever; they still talk about it today. The only thing
no one can recollect is who we visited or what we did on that trip. But they
sure remember the candy!
Guidelines,
regardless of their usefulness, are not only meant for younger children. As
parents, we sometimes find it necessary to implement rules even when our
children are older. These might include curfews, making sure homework is done
in a timely fashion, or setting clear boundaries about household activities.
Preserving furniture, as much as humanly
possible, also lends itself to the implementation of rules and edicts.
A few years ago,
we purchased a new couch. Not only was it new to our household; it was actually
new. Now, my children were old enough so that it was not necessary to inform
them that they were not allowed to jump on the couch. However, I did have to
tell them that they weren’t allowed to eat on the couch. Imagine my surprise
when, one Sunday morning, my daughter walked into the living room with a bowl
of cereal and headed straight towards the couch. The rest of us, who until that
moment were relaxing on the couch, looked at her and said in unison, “No eating
on the couch.”
Pausing for a
moment, my daughter, looked at all of us with a smile on her face and said,
“Raise your hand if you eat on the couch when nobody else is around.” Needless
to say, we all raised our hands. Laughing, we moved over to make a space
for her. She promptly sat down, placed her bowl of cereal next to her and in
one graceful move, accidentally spilled its entire contents all over the
cushion. We may not cry over spilled milk, but in fact, we do sometimes cry
over spilled cereal and milk.
So, remember, when
you teach your children, make sure the message is clear; otherwise, you might be
wiping up a lot of spilled milk.
