Our son is engaged to a lovely
girl, and we are planning the chasana. I have already made two
weddings. For both of our daughters, we and mechutanim were
more or less on the same page as far as what kind of simcha we were comfortable with. Now we are
dealing with the girl’s parents, who are well to do and have higher
expectations for the wedding. I realized when the couple were dating that she
came from a higher standard of living but thought it wouldn’t be a major
problem. I guess I wasn’t thinking about the wedding.
We got together with the
parents and talked about it. At first they said, let’s pay half and half for
everything. We didn’t want to do that as they want a very fancy meal and more
elaborate shmorg than we would prefer. Don’t get me wrong. They are nice
people; it’s just that they move in different circles and are looking at a more
elegant wedding.
Then we said we will pay the traditional chassan’s-side
expenses for FLOPS: flowers, liquor, orchestra, photography, and sheitel. (No one gave my daughters a sheitel!).
But here, too, they want beautiful flower arrangements for the tables and a
five-piece band, and they say they their guests expect a bar with expensive
liquor. They said, “Just tell us how much you are willing to spend.” I don’t
want to do that because, truthfully, I am embarrassed to say how little that is.
It will look like peanuts to them. I also had the expectation that, as parents
of the boy, we would pay less this time, unlike the weddings of our daughters,
where we paid more than the other side.
I know we have to
negotiate and come to an agreement, somehow. How do we do it without spoiling
our relationship with these new mechutanim and especially with
our new daughter-in-law?
The Shadchan responds:
Mazel tov, your son
is engaged! What a bracha! I hear your dilemma and will try to
help you think it through. First and foremost is that you must deal with the mechutanim
on your own. You cannot get the young couple involved! They should not be
privy to any of the conversations. Nor should either of them be present at your
meetings. It is not fair to them to have to pick sides or feel they have
to stick up for their own parents. So, if you would like to get along with
your future daughter-in-law, do not speak to her about any of the issues.
Let’s
analyze this: You married off your daughters, and of course, as the kallah’s
parents you paid more. But things worked out between both sides, and you were
able to overcome any obstacles. Here, the mechutanim are well-to-do and
are asking you how much you are willing to contribute. You, however, are
uncomfortable answering them because you do not want them to know how little
you can afford. You feel you cannot go half because they will have more
guests (this has happened before and people adjust accordingly) or they want a
more elaborate chasana.
You offered
to do FLOP, so why not go with that and just tell them the amount that you can
afford and so be it. If they want a fancier wedding, they can pay the
difference. If they want expensive liquor, the bar should be their domain. The
important thing is that you should feel self-confident to convey the message
that you can only spend a certain amount. When the mechutanim see that
you are graciously but confidently explaining your approach to the simcha, I
think they will respect that and then proceed to take care of whatever else
they want to add. I’m sure that they also realize that we are not living in the
best of times right now. Things are tight, and I am sure they will understand
and will try to accommodate you, especially since you just made two chasanas.
I am
sure that you want this shidduch to succeed. I would therefore
advise you not to stand stubbornly on principle and object to the mechutanim’s
desire for a chasana that’s more extravagant than you would like. You
can’t start off putting all these michsholim (obstacles) in the way of a
relationship with people with whom you will (hopefully) spend a lifetime with, whether
you like it or not. They want their daughter to have a wedding that they have
dreamed about and can afford, so why stand in their way? Your son will also
benefit. Baruch Hashem he has found a kallah whose family has
means, and you should be pleased about it, too.
I
think that you should have this discussion with the mechutanim amicably
and graciously, because these parents will make the chasana that they
want either way. They are willing to pay more than their share, and I
assume they can afford it, but they just need to know what you will contribute. By
the way, it used to be easier financially to marry off a son. These days, the
expenses are often similar. As with everything else, times have changed.
Again,
do not stand in their way. It could lead to a lifetime of hard feelings, chas
veshalom, and everyone involved will suffer. Be happy your child is
going to the chupah and do not stand on ceremony. Try to work as a team,
and you will see that this couple will bring you much nachas. Remember,
the chasana only lasts a few hours but you have a lifetime to live with
your decision.
