I have a good friend who put me down as a family reference
on her children’s shidduch resumes. I
have gotten phone calls over the years asking about the family. Now their
youngest child is entering shidduchim, and
the calls are starting again. The situation has changed, though. Being a good
friend, I have information about this child that people might want to know. Watching
her grow up, I have seen her in many situations, and my opinion of her is that
she is selfish and has a difficult and unpleasant personality. I now feel
uncomfortable answering questions. Should I tell or not tell? I said to my
friend that maybe I am not doing a good job and she should take me off as a
reference. She said, “Oh no, you know us so well.” But I don’t think she would
want me to express my unflattering opinion to callers.
In general, I don’t believe that
all the research people do is very effective. People often don’t tell the
truth, or they use “code” words that you have to be very savvy to understand.
For example, I have heard a father who is mentally ill described as “not having
a job,” and a mother who was intellectually disabled described as “simple.”
I have been burned by telling the
truth. I usually give very pareve answers to callers. If I have a negative
opinion of someone, I tell the caller to ask someone else who knows the person
better. One time, though, a friend of mine called to ask about a young man for
his daughter. I did not think this guy would make a good marriage partner. Since
this was a good friend, I gave her my true opinion. A while later I heard from
the guy. I don’t know how, but what I said had gotten back to him. He called
and screamed at me, including lots of curse words.
I know from your columns that you
are not in favor of lengthy questioning and research. But how else can you find
a decent person for your child to date? What types of questions should be
asked, and how should the answers be understood?
The Shadchan
answers:
You are right to be skeptical about research. Years
ago, people asked one or two questions about the family, and that was it. Today,
researching a shidduch has become an
“FBI investigation.” I’ve told this story before, but it’s worth repeating. A
while ago, a woman called to see if I knew of a shidduch for her 21-year-old daughter who was divorced. I
couldn’t avoid asking if she had checked out the first young man, and her
answer to me was, “We checked and checked and checked and found out that it was
all a bunch of lies.” All this checking is problematic for both the one doing
the research and the reference, as you have found out.
Regarding your current dilemma, I
am curious as to just how “difficult” your friend’s daughter is. If you think that
she could possibly find an appropriate shidduch
with someone who would bring out the best in her, someone with whom she could
build a Jewish home, then you can continue to take the reference calls. You
don’t have to lie. Just answer any direct questions as succinctly as you can,
and don’t bring up the things that bother you. Also, be careful to not say
anything that could jeopardize your friendship with the parents. Eventually,
the young woman’s personality will come out on a date, but you are not
responsible for that.
The reason I say this is because
of an experience I had many years ago. A person called our house asking about
a young man who was suggested for his daughter. At that point, I did not know
who it was for. He began by asking me some very personal questions about the
young man. He continued with his questions, and when he finally finished, I
asked him who he was researching for; he told me his daughter. I said to
myself, b”H, I did not say anything negative
because that would have been the end of the shidduch. This
couple are now great-grandparents, and I took a good lesson, which has become
my motto: If you do not have anything good to say about a shidduch, then don’t say anything!
That would be my advice if you
think that she could make a good wife and mother in the right situation. If,
however, you believe that the young woman has serious personality issues to the
degree that she should not be dating at the moment, then you must tell your
friends to remove your name. I would tell your friend, right off the bat,
that you are no longer giving recommendations and have asked people to take you
off their lists. Even if she objects, you should insist that you no longer want
to do it. If she asks you why, tell her that you have fallen on your face
a few times and are therefore no longer interested.
In answer to your question about
how to handle finding someone for your child to date, I would say that, if you
trust a shadchan, let the couple go
out and see for themselves whether they think the shidduch is shayich (appropriate). I
would not suggest any specific questions to ask beforehand. If they want to
continue, they should then ask discreet questions directly to the shadchan and let the shadchan find out the answers on their
behalf. As I always say, if they are old enough to get married, then they are
old enough to do their own research.
If, on the other hand, you are
afraid to send your child out with someone without asking for particular
information, then ask those few critical questions to one mutual acquaintance
whom you trust, or to another trusted acquaintance that has connections to the
single. We don’t need to know what color tablecloths the mother uses or if
they use paper or if they scrape their plates at the table. Is this what
makes a good marriage? We need to find out about the family and about the
person’s middos. People are
focused on the wrong things today. Go back to the basics and stop asking
questions that are not relevant in today’s situations. If there are personal
issues that need to be addressed, these should be revealed by the couple
themselves on the fourth date. If they cannot discuss their issues at that
time, then they are not ready to get married.
In summary, if you want to
continue serving as reference for this young woman, then only answer direct
questions as briefly and positively as possible. However, if serving as a
reference for this single is causing you much aggravation, or the single is
really not “marriage material” at this time, I would tell you to take a break
from serving as a reference. Remember, if the shidduch is bashert, then
it will happen with or without your input. The Master Shadchan pulls the strings, and He knows what is best for each
individual.
I hope I have helped you in some
way and wish you hatzlacha in
whatever you decide to do.
