Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

At different times throughout the year, we are very excited to get together with our married siblings and all their children at our parents’ home. It is rare that we are all together, and we want to do all we can to have a beautiful, calm atmosphere for everyone.

Unfortunately, I sense possible trouble brewing ahead. Even though we are all adults, when we get together, my siblings and I tend to slip back into the same patterns we had as children. This one always feels left out, this one wants everyone’s attention, and this one tries to be the peacemaker and ensure we all get along.

Why do we do this? Shouldn’t we all act more maturely?

Concerned Sibling

This article is about being true to your word, helping your children do the same, and making the most of it in a productive and positive way with your children.

In the parent-child relationship, trust is crucial. Yet trust can be a funny thing when it comes to children. It seems that any passing comment or careless thought you expressed without paying attention to it becomes a legally-binding agreement in their eyes. You may have been in the middle of washing dishes when your daughter breezed through the kitchen, mumbling something about getting together with her friends. You may have mumbled something back as you reached for a towel. You can be certain that whatever you said (as long as it was in the affirmative) will come back to haunt you, even if you can’t even remember what it was that you agreed to! “But, Mom, you s-a-i-d!” will ring through the house until you let her go.

The children are finally back in school, and both you and they are feeling relief and excitement. Unfortunately, you may also be feeling apprehension. I think we would all agree that this school year is setting up to be the most unusual we have ever experienced! For the children, there are many new restrictions in place regarding wearing masks, how to play during recess, how to sit at their desks, and how to interact with their friends.

Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

My parents never had the greatest marriage, and now that they’re getting older, things are getting progressively worse. I am often at the receiving end of their gripes about each other, and I’m never quite sure how to respond. I tend to sympathize with my father’s complaints about my mother, which are usually well founded (“She yells at me” or “She criticizes me publicly”). I tend to find my mother’s complaints ridiculous (“He always buys the wrong brand of coffee” or “He leaves his newspapers open on the couch all the time”). Both my parents are equally bitter in their complaints, and I don’t know how to answer in a way that is respectful and also helpful.

There is no chance that they would discuss their issues with anyone outside our immediate family, so going to counseling or a Rav is not an option. Should I empathize with the suffering parent? Try to defend the parent being complained about? Change the subject? And should my reaction depend on whether the complaint is valid?

Not Sure

Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

I am a mother of eight children. My husband has the privilege of being a mechanech in a yeshiva, and I work half a day to ease the burden of parnassa. We barely make it to the end of the month but, Baruch Hashem, we’re a happy and healthy family. The problem is that there are things we can’t afford, and my eldest son insists he needs them (because that’s what all his friends have). I feel compelled to give in so as not to make him feel deprived, but we can’t manage the expense. I’d like to know how to strike a healthy balance, where on the one hand, he understands that if we can’t afford it, we don’t get it, but on the other hand, he doesn’t feel deprived.

Wondering Mother

Dear Rabbi Hochberg,

The other night I was having a discussion with my husband about our twelve-year old son. Apparently, he has not been doing his homework and the teachers are getting frustrated with him. He is a smart boy who gets excellent grades at school. But he doesn’t like to do homework. My husband tries every night to help him, but it usually ends in a fight with both of them frustrated. We tried bribing him, threatening him, talking to him, etc., but nothing works. I don’t want to get another phone call from his teacher.

What should we do?

Frustrated Mom