Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
I have been married 15 years, and it hasn’t been easy. My husband is a hard worker and a good provider. He is well-meaning, too, but he doesn’t communicate well, and has a tendency to blurt things out without thinking. He has really hurt me and the children many times. He doesn’t seem to be able to control himself or understand the ramifications of his speech.
By doing a lot of reading, I realize that my husband has adult ADHD. I know he won’t go to counseling. I don’t even think there is a therapy that could fix him. I have come to terms with the fact that my husband has this condition; this is who he is. I would just like advice on how to live with it. How can we keep from being hurt by his outbursts? How can I make a home without constant fighting? How do I make my life and the life of our children a happy one?
The Peacemaker
Dear Peacemaker,
I really respect your desire and determination to make a happy home. Of course you realize that there is so much more involved here than “fixing” your husband; this is truly a family issue, and you can take the lead in setting the tone for peace and calm in the household.
While you seem sure that your husband has ADHD, right now we don’t really know what causes his hurtful behavior; that would require a diagnosis based on the assessment of your husband by a qualified professional.
You say you know he won’t go for help. In that case, you can go by yourself and get some guidelines for how to deal with his outbursts. As he sees your responses change, your husband may become more amenable to seeking help, or you might become stronger within yourself and be able to tell him constructively how his behavior affects you and the children.
I believe you can be honest with your children and let them know that, as you said, your husband has many wonderful qualities that you respect and appreciate and, yes, there is a problem, too. Children are smart as well as understanding, and they will probably feel relieved to learn that you are working to improve the situation. Attending AlAnon meetings will teach you a lot about living with a difficult person.
It seems to me it’s time, after 15 years, to stop waiting for your husband to change – you can’t control his behavior, and he may ch oose to remain the same until 120! – and time to start learning new ways to deal with his difficult behavior. You will grow through this process, and with Hashem’s help, you will help your entire family.
Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,
My parents got divorced when I was very young, and I have no relationship with my father. I’m 15 now. It was just me and my mother all these years, and sometimes my uncle came around. We often went to friends for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and I was happy with my life.
My mother remarried a year ago. Her husband is a widower with a lot of kids. I was taken aback when she got married. I thought she was happy the way we were, but I guess I was wrong. I can see that she loves this man and is trying to be a good mother to his children. His first wife’s parents come over, too. Everyone gets along great. They are a very touchy-feely type of family and like to hug everybody. And they want me to be part of it all.
I don’t really want to be a part of it. I feel like my whole life is upside down. I even lost my room. My mother asked me very nicely if I would share with her husband’s daughter, so I said yes. I just don’t feel like this is my family any more.
I am a “with it” person. I can cope. All these years I didn’t have a father and I managed. But this is beyond what I want to live with. I think my mother thought she was providing me with a “normal” family life, but I think the best thing for me is to go away for high school. I can stand living at home for the summer but not all year.
My mother doesn’t want me to go away. I don’t want my mother to feel bad or infringe on her happiness, but soon my time will come; I’ll get married anyway and leave home, so why not do it now? Am I selfish for wanting to go away?
Independent
Dear Independent,
I feel for you in your difficult dilemma. For years, you and your mother had a set-up that worked for you, and now your comfortable situation has been turned upside down!
Please keep in mind that your mother’s search for a fuller life does not mean you were wrong about your previous years with her. It simply means that, even with her happy years with you, she felt a normal and natural emptiness that no child could possibly fill.
Once you realize that this new family does not symbolize a rejection of the important years you and your mother shared, it might be easier for you to adjust. And remember that this is quite an adjustment. An open talk with your mother would be helpful, too. You started sharing your room without letting your mother know how hard this change is for you. She needs to hear this from you.
I’m concerned that if you just go away for high school, you could remain an outsider in this new household. May I suggest that, in addition to filling in your mother about how this major adjustment is affecting you, you also sit down with your Rav or guidance counselor or any objective adult with whom you are comfortable and take a careful look at the pros and cons of leaving home?
This way, if you decide to leave, it will be a fully thought-out decision and not running away from a problem. Your letter indicates a maturity and understanding beyond your years, so I feel confident that, with some trusted input, you will make a better adjustment and a good decision about high school.
