To the Shadchan:

 I am married for the second time after being divorced for a relatively short period. My first marriage lasted almost 30 years. As newlyweds, we don’t host much, nor do we go out except to our children nearby. (Covid started just as we finished our shana rishona.) We do try to invite at least one single person for Yom Tov meals, as we know how difficult it is to celebrate these days alone.

Our guest on Rosh Hashanah was a woman who has been trying to find a shidduch for many years and whom we know well. We were enjoying the meal when she said, “You two are so lucky to have found each other,” which we confirmed. From that beginning, she started asking questions, such as how long we dated, did I know that my husband is picky about certain things, etc. Then she asked if we had “tested” each other. I asked her what she meant by testing, and she said that a friend of hers once got tickets for a date to the opera, and since there was a woman singing in it and the man didn’t refuse to go, she concluded that he didn’t care about kol isha and nixed the shidduch!

I thought that, in this issue, rather than answer a question, I would tell you about an exciting initiative in the shidduch world with a catchy name. Perhaps you have heard of it. Nix the Pix is the brainchild (or should I say “heartchild”) of well-known shadchan, Lisa Elefant from New York, who also spearheads the “Adopt the Shadchan” shidduch organization.

A Shidduch Question:

 I’ve gone out with this guy six times. He has a good sense of humor, and we have lots to talk about. He’s good looking and has a job. We are both in our mid-20s. A friend made the shidduch. Before I agreed to go out with him, I spoke to several people. They all described him as very nice, kind, very considerate. And he is. On all our dates, I have found him to be caring. He listens well and makes appropriate and empathetic comments. He is kind and considerate to other people we encounter, like waitresses. He is, in general, just a sweet and kind person.

I am going out with a guy. I like him a lot, and he seems to be interested in me as well. I am 25, and he is 26. He is very smart as well as kind – with lots of other wonderful qualities that I am looking for. On our last date, however, we unexpectedly got into an argument. We were talking about the news, and to my surprise, I found out that his ideas about politics were completely opposite of mine.

We are now facing a mageifa, something none of us ever dreamed we would see in our lifetime. Coronavirus has brought havoc to all aspects of our lives, and simchas are no exception. The way we celebrate weddings, bar and bas mitzvas, engagements, sheva brachos has changed drastically until Ribono Shel Olam brings the yeshua.

We have been told by rabbanim and baalei mussar that Hashem wants us to change. Our habits, our tznius, our selfishness, our actions bein adam lechaveiro, our tefilos – everything needs to take a turn for the better in order for the geula to come. Surely this applies to shidduchim as well.

To the Shadchan:

My son is handsome, accomplished, and a much sought-after young man. I constantly get calls from friends, shadchanim, and even strangers with suggestions of girls to date. People call my friends to try to “get” to me. I feel bombarded. As his mother, I know that he is not ready to get married. He has issues that cannot be seen with the naked eye. Obviously, I do not want to tell people because it is not their business. But when I try to put people off, they scoff: “What do you mean he’s not going out!” or “I guess next week we will hear he is engaged!”

 Why can’t people accept me at my word? Why are they nosy and insensitive? Why do they insist on pursuing me when I have indicated that we are not interested? I am a very straightforward and honest person – some have even called me naïve. This is a dilemma for me every time. I stammer and don’t know what to say, and I feel frustrated and sad.