Page 48 - issue
P. 48
though you think they are too involved People are usually happy to discuss things
in wanting the finer things in life and
their children are paying the price. You “with someone who is loving and concerned
mention perpetuating family values – ”for them and their well-being,
which indicates that this is not the way
you raised them and are concerned as long as there is not any judging involved.
they are losing track of what is impor- you are not seen as critical when open- tionally express them. The greater your
tant.
ing up this dialogue. level of acceptance, the more loved and
When you suggest to your adult chil-
dren that they have misplaced priori- It is worth noting that not every- accepted they will feel, and the greater
ties, you are expressing a judgment that
is more global. It is implying that they thing can be changed on a dime. the openness of the discussion you can
are living their lives improperly, and
they will probably not respond well to Although at times someone reaches a engage them in.
that implication.
point where they are sick of a negative People are usually happy to discuss
It may be that, as you mention, your
parents were able to criticize your behavior pattern and commit com- things with someone who is loving and
choices, and you would accept it with
love and appreciation. It is possible that pletely to another course of action, concerned for them and their well-
part of the generational decline that is
spoken of in Chazal (the Sages) applies usually change is a gradual process. being, as long as there is not any judg-
to a person’s strength of character.
While I have no evidence of this from a Even if your children agree with you in ing involved. This is a subtle and
clinical perspective, it is possible that
people in general are more insecure principle and would like to reach a nuanced endeavor, so it is important to
today than they typically were 50 or 60
years ago. Maybe you were glad to get point where they are less interested in be as honest with yourself as possible
negative feedback then, or maybe you
weren’t glad but did not consider that designer clothes, that does not mean regarding any judgment on your part. It
you had the right to refuse it. Bottom
line is that it is not likely that your chil- they can just give it up. There may be is both easy and natural to be irritated
dren will respond productively with
positive change to this type of sugges- social factors in their community that by the fact that, in your assessment,
tion.
may be influencing them or their chil- they are making poor choices. But that
You can still consider engaging in a
conversation about values, just as we dren. I know families who are not at all road will not allow you to play a part in
discussed earlier about parenting. This
can help you get a sense of how your into luxury items but have children their journey towards growth.
children themselves feel about their
relationship to Yiddishkeit and the role who don’t want to be different than I wish you much hatzlacha (success)
of secular culture in their life. You just
want to be more careful to be sure that their peers in school, who are all too and can see by the fact you have bitten
aware of the brand of shirt someone is your tongue this long that you will
wearing and what store it comes from. approach this in a thoughtful and care-
I think it is important for you, as a ful manner. May Hashem bless your
parent, to work on reaching an accept- efforts with success whichever way you
ance of where your children are on decide to go, and may you ultimately
their journey. Focusing on their merit much nachas from your children
strengths may allow you to put these and grandchildren.◆
issues in context, so that you don’t view
your children overly harshly due to Yehuda Weisbord is a licensed coun-
their shortcomings. Your attitudes selor and is available for consultation
come across whether or not you inten- at 762-233-4284.
44 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
in wanting the finer things in life and
their children are paying the price. You “with someone who is loving and concerned
mention perpetuating family values – ”for them and their well-being,
which indicates that this is not the way
you raised them and are concerned as long as there is not any judging involved.
they are losing track of what is impor- you are not seen as critical when open- tionally express them. The greater your
tant.
ing up this dialogue. level of acceptance, the more loved and
When you suggest to your adult chil-
dren that they have misplaced priori- It is worth noting that not every- accepted they will feel, and the greater
ties, you are expressing a judgment that
is more global. It is implying that they thing can be changed on a dime. the openness of the discussion you can
are living their lives improperly, and
they will probably not respond well to Although at times someone reaches a engage them in.
that implication.
point where they are sick of a negative People are usually happy to discuss
It may be that, as you mention, your
parents were able to criticize your behavior pattern and commit com- things with someone who is loving and
choices, and you would accept it with
love and appreciation. It is possible that pletely to another course of action, concerned for them and their well-
part of the generational decline that is
spoken of in Chazal (the Sages) applies usually change is a gradual process. being, as long as there is not any judg-
to a person’s strength of character.
While I have no evidence of this from a Even if your children agree with you in ing involved. This is a subtle and
clinical perspective, it is possible that
people in general are more insecure principle and would like to reach a nuanced endeavor, so it is important to
today than they typically were 50 or 60
years ago. Maybe you were glad to get point where they are less interested in be as honest with yourself as possible
negative feedback then, or maybe you
weren’t glad but did not consider that designer clothes, that does not mean regarding any judgment on your part. It
you had the right to refuse it. Bottom
line is that it is not likely that your chil- they can just give it up. There may be is both easy and natural to be irritated
dren will respond productively with
positive change to this type of sugges- social factors in their community that by the fact that, in your assessment,
tion.
may be influencing them or their chil- they are making poor choices. But that
You can still consider engaging in a
conversation about values, just as we dren. I know families who are not at all road will not allow you to play a part in
discussed earlier about parenting. This
can help you get a sense of how your into luxury items but have children their journey towards growth.
children themselves feel about their
relationship to Yiddishkeit and the role who don’t want to be different than I wish you much hatzlacha (success)
of secular culture in their life. You just
want to be more careful to be sure that their peers in school, who are all too and can see by the fact you have bitten
aware of the brand of shirt someone is your tongue this long that you will
wearing and what store it comes from. approach this in a thoughtful and care-
I think it is important for you, as a ful manner. May Hashem bless your
parent, to work on reaching an accept- efforts with success whichever way you
ance of where your children are on decide to go, and may you ultimately
their journey. Focusing on their merit much nachas from your children
strengths may allow you to put these and grandchildren.◆
issues in context, so that you don’t view
your children overly harshly due to Yehuda Weisbord is a licensed coun-
their shortcomings. Your attitudes selor and is available for consultation
come across whether or not you inten- at 762-233-4284.
44 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
