Page 56 - issue
P. 56
situation, but they worked together to er than we see the negative ones. Then young lady does not live up to your
combat all these negatives in their we slowly become aware that this per- standards, and your mother is right in
lives and came out with stronger mar- son has faults. If the dater is able to saying that when you meet the right
riages. That does not mean that every- incorporate the realization that no one one, all your doubts will disappear.
one was extremely happy and deeply in is perfect and that there is a negative
love at all times, but they took the side to even the best of people or situ- Alternatively, do you go into your
good and the bad together, admired ations – and if there are enough posi- dating relationships with no particular
and stood by each other, and raised tives in the relationship – he or she is criteria in mind and break up for a dif-
wonderful families. able to move ahead. ferent reason each time? Have you ever
questioned why you dropped a girl and
Today, we have a “throwaway” gener- But if the positive points keep mov- felt sorry that you did? If this is the pat-
ation. If at first it doesn’t “work,” people ing at their very slow pace, while aware- tern, I would humbly suggest that you
are perfectly willing (sometimes eager) ness of the negative grows at an alarm- take a break and see a professional to
to exchange their present spouse for a ing rate, and if the negatives outweigh clarify what your anxieties are and why
new one. Professionals describe this the positives by quite a bit, we end up you are unable to move forward. You
phenomenon as “serial monogamy.” leaving the situation or the person. In need to work on yourself before you
Sadly, this is now happening in our the non-frum world we have examples can continue your dating process. It is
“frum” society, and it should stop. (I am of people going together for a long time, very easy to get caught up in self-pity
not speaking, of course, about situa- but when it is time to commit, one will and bemoan the fact that you are not
tions where divorce is unfortunately drop the other and end the relationship. married. But the older you get, the
necessary.) Couples need to learn to The person then begins again, and the more you worry about not being mar-
invest effort in their marriage and not same pattern repeats itself many times. ried and the more cynical and negative
always look at the “green on the other you become. Again, I urge you to dis-
side.” Over time, the green meadow can You need to ask yourself if you have cuss this with a professional with expe-
turn into marshy wasteland. specific ideas of what you are looking rience in such issues.
for in a wife. Are you very clear about
Returning to your situation, you are your needs and values and about how I hope to Hashem that your troubles
not so different from others, in the a wife would enhance your life? If so, will soon clear up and that you will go
sense that many of us see the attractive you very correctly decide to end the to the chupa in the near future,
points of a dating situation much earli- relationship when you discover that the besha’ah tova.◆
52 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
combat all these negatives in their we slowly become aware that this per- standards, and your mother is right in
lives and came out with stronger mar- son has faults. If the dater is able to saying that when you meet the right
riages. That does not mean that every- incorporate the realization that no one one, all your doubts will disappear.
one was extremely happy and deeply in is perfect and that there is a negative
love at all times, but they took the side to even the best of people or situ- Alternatively, do you go into your
good and the bad together, admired ations – and if there are enough posi- dating relationships with no particular
and stood by each other, and raised tives in the relationship – he or she is criteria in mind and break up for a dif-
wonderful families. able to move ahead. ferent reason each time? Have you ever
questioned why you dropped a girl and
Today, we have a “throwaway” gener- But if the positive points keep mov- felt sorry that you did? If this is the pat-
ation. If at first it doesn’t “work,” people ing at their very slow pace, while aware- tern, I would humbly suggest that you
are perfectly willing (sometimes eager) ness of the negative grows at an alarm- take a break and see a professional to
to exchange their present spouse for a ing rate, and if the negatives outweigh clarify what your anxieties are and why
new one. Professionals describe this the positives by quite a bit, we end up you are unable to move forward. You
phenomenon as “serial monogamy.” leaving the situation or the person. In need to work on yourself before you
Sadly, this is now happening in our the non-frum world we have examples can continue your dating process. It is
“frum” society, and it should stop. (I am of people going together for a long time, very easy to get caught up in self-pity
not speaking, of course, about situa- but when it is time to commit, one will and bemoan the fact that you are not
tions where divorce is unfortunately drop the other and end the relationship. married. But the older you get, the
necessary.) Couples need to learn to The person then begins again, and the more you worry about not being mar-
invest effort in their marriage and not same pattern repeats itself many times. ried and the more cynical and negative
always look at the “green on the other you become. Again, I urge you to dis-
side.” Over time, the green meadow can You need to ask yourself if you have cuss this with a professional with expe-
turn into marshy wasteland. specific ideas of what you are looking rience in such issues.
for in a wife. Are you very clear about
Returning to your situation, you are your needs and values and about how I hope to Hashem that your troubles
not so different from others, in the a wife would enhance your life? If so, will soon clear up and that you will go
sense that many of us see the attractive you very correctly decide to end the to the chupa in the near future,
points of a dating situation much earli- relationship when you discover that the besha’ah tova.◆
52 u www.wherewhatwhen.com u
