Dear Dr. Kidorf,

Our son is starting high school this fall in an out-of-town yeshiva. As I have been reading in the Where What When about the issue of teen drinking and how important it is to talk to your children about it, I am realizing that we never had “the conversation.” I’m pretty sure that the topic has not been presented by his school either. No one in our family is a drinker, and it just never came up. We do have several bottles of whisky, etc., stored on a shelf somewhere that we bring out for Purim and family simchas. In fact, we bought most of those bottles for this boy’s bris! This son is a normal kid and a good student, and I like to think that all our children are being brought up in a wholesome – some might say old-fashioned – environment. While we never felt the need to discuss drinking (or smoking, vaping, and other behaviors that teens might be exposed to), I’m wondering if we should. My friend told me that not giving kids information and direction is like letting your five-year-old cross Park Heights. Is such a discussion a one-size-fits-all imperative, or can each family decide according to their own situation? Should we initiate a conversation on this subject now, before our son gets to yeshiva, or wait until he brings it up? And finally, how should the discussion go?

Response:

Dear Dr. Kidorf

Our 14-year-old son, from the time he was small, has always been interested in the latest and greatest toys and attractions. Unfortunately, as he grows, the attractions have moved from cool footballs to hoverboards and electric scooters to, most recently, vaping. We have made our thoughts and feelings about vaping clear. We have watched graphic videos about the dangers of vaping-related illnesses and injuries. We have warned him about the consequences if we should ever find him with a vape. And then we found out he was vaping (purchased from another boy at a local shul). We took the vapes away, followed through with the consequences that had been threatened, and reviewed the dangers. He doesn’t seem remorseful and, if he ever gets angry about something, threatens to buy more vapes. 

Dear Dr. Kidorf

I have two young teenage sons as well as younger children. On Shabbos, they go to shul with their father. On the way home, my husband stops at a few different homes to shmooze and make a lechaim. The boys just talk to their friends, if any of them are around, and wait until he’s ready to go home. My husband never gets drunk, just a little “happy,” and we proceed with kiddush, where everyone in the family gets wine.

 One night last week, I went out and came back earlier than expected. I walked into the living room and saw my two boys having a little lechaim. I was rather shocked and asked them what they were doing. They answered, “Nothing, we’re just trying it.”

Vaping of e-cigarettes remains very popular among teenagers. Across the country, about 20% of high school seniors report that they are currently vaping. We do not know how this compares to what is happening in our community. Yet I see many kids in our community vaping, and wonder if they are aware of the health consequences.

As a parent and as a psychologist, my biggest worry is that kids who vape will develop nicotine addiction, more formally called tobacco use disorder.  Nicotine is extracted from tobacco, and is the active ingredient in most vapes. It is a stimulant that increases heart rate and blood pressure. Kids like vapes because nicotine improves alertness, focus, and memory. The problem is that over a very short period of time, nicotine can cause depression, reduce alertness and focus, and impair memory and learning. Many kids who start vaping report how difficult it is to make it through the school day or take a test.

It goes without saying that the COVID pandemic has increased levels of anxiety for many people. The whole thing can be very traumatic. Some have contracted the virus, while others have family or friends who have been seriously ill or have died. With the lockdowns have come lost jobs, diminished savings, family conflict, and substance abuse. The daily news announcements about infection rates, variant strains, changing guidelines, and death counts can be overwhelming.

On December 18, at our Chayeinu event, we had the privilege to hear Rabbi Yaakov Horowitz speak with parents in our community on having an ongoing dialogue with their children about alcohol and drug use. During the talk, he shared a story about a conversation he had with a policeman who had responded to an overdose in the Jewish community. While the Rabbi expressed some surprise that the opioid crisis was now taking Jewish lives, the policeman reminded him that there is no good reason for Jews to be immune, because substance use and abuse is a human problem.