To the Shadchan:

I am fairly young and newly married. I have many unmarried friends whom I would love to help. B”H, my husband knows a lot of eligible guys. I started fixing people up and then got too frustrated. My friends were too picky and turned people down for no real reason. But since I am friends with them I felt that I couldn’t tell them they were being stupid. These are really top boys. I was recently talking with my mother about this, and she said that I really should get past my feelings and help these girls. Do you think I’m obligated to help, and, if so, do you have any advice for me?

I have been helping a man to find a shidduch for the past few years. Over the course of these years, I have counseled him through dating situations, and have seen his growth and understanding of what really should matter in a future wife. He recently approached me with a letter he wrote, and asked if I could find a way to publicize it to help others who might need to hear the advice he has only recently taken to heart but wishes he had sooner. I took his letter, which we discussed at length, and also took note of his feelings and thoughts. We have combined the two, which leaves us with this brutally honest letter to share. In the process of these years of searching, he has managed to find himself, and would like to share his thoughts and experiences with as many people as possible.

“My son, eat honey, for it is good, and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste.”  (Proverbs 24:13)

The phrase “milk and honey” appears many times in Tanach to describe the fertility and prosperity of the Promised Land, says health writer Cal Orey, author of The Healing Powers of Honey. While rabbis and historians may debate whether the honey was actually bee honey or produced from dates or fruits, the concept of a land flowing with milk and honey conjures up images of health, happiness, and well-being. Rabbi and food historian Gil Marks points out that honey, which comes from nature and does not spoil, symbolizes immortality and truth in many cultures. As far back as 4,000 years ago, ancient Greeks and Egyptians believed that eating honey increased physical energy and enhance mental acuity. Medicinal uses of honey are also noted in the ancient texts of traditional Chinese medicine and in Ayurvedic medicine, a healing system that originated in India. Even in modern medicine, honey is recognized for its antibacterial and wound-healing properties, and as an aid in treating coughs.

To the Shadchan: I am a 21-year-old, typical Bais Yaakov girl from a stable and happy home. I am going out with a boy. I like him, and everything seems to be going very well; we will be having our seventh date soon. This would seem to be an ideal situation, except that I am very nervous. Twice before, I was in the same situation. I went out with each boy for a long time, and it was going smoothly, with the next step to get engaged. Then, for some reason that I can’t explain, I just couldn’t go on. I want to stress that I liked both boys. But I felt something was not right – I couldn’t even put a finger on what was bothering me – and I couldn’t continue. So, I see from my experience that even if I like the boy, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m very scared that the same thing could happen with this relationship. If I do end up breaking it off, I am worried about all the emotions involved – both his and mine – as well as the reputation I will get. I am also concerned that something might be wrong with me. (I don’t think I am afraid of marriage, but how would I know if I am?) What do you think?

Worried

To the Shadchan:

A shidduch was suggested to me with an American boy who has made aliyah. He sounds like just what I am looking for, and he is interested in meeting me. The problem is that he presumably wants to live in Israel forever, while I am not so sure. I do love Eretz Yisrael and really enjoyed my year there, but I see a few obstacles to making a permanent move. First, I have a hard time with the divisions among different types of Jews and having to choose one derech. Second, I don’t think I would be happy with the school system. In addition, I would miss my family, who would not be able to afford visiting often or sending us tickets to visit them. And finally, I am not fluent in Hebrew, and would probably have a hard time finding a job. I would love to live in Eretz Yisrael for a few years but would most likely want to return to the States eventually. If I’m not sure I can commit to living in Eretz Yisrael long term, should I give up on this shidduch?

To the Shadchan:

I am hoping you can help me with my serious problem. For quite some time now, most of the boys who have been redt (suggested) to me have been saying no. I didn’t understand why, since I am considered a good catch: I am pretty, have a good job, come from a nice family. Still, everyone kept saying no. Recently, a friend told me that a person in town is spreading rumors about me. My friend refuses to tell me who she is, claiming that it would be lashon hara to tell me. How do I handle this?