Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

My husband and I got married about a year ago. We love each other and I think we have a good marriage. When we were dating, we had a lot in common. We had great conversations and similar interests and goals. Now that we’re married, we are clashing over aspects of daily life that we never anticipated. Specifically, my husband is very laid back. When he’s not working or learning, he likes to sit around the living room or kitchen and “kibbitz.” He would like nothing better than for me to sit with him and “relax.” I, on the other hand, like to keep busy. It really, really bothers me to sit around and do nothing, when I have work waiting. I think my husband feels like I don’t like to talk to him or keep him company. That is not true at all; it’s just that I can’t stop moving until I get things done. Do you think we can ever reconcile these two different “styles”?

Newlywed

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

A couple of issues ago, you answered a question from Biting My Tongue, who was unhappy that that her son and his wife are “conscious of the `good life,’ and like to buy fashionable clothing, expensive furniture, and hi-tech gadgets..It seems that their life and their conversations now revolve around money.”

I don’t know if it was my mother who wrote the letter, but it could have been. I would like to say to her that, while she might think that she’s biting her tongue, her message is coming through loud and clear. What she doesn’t say in words, she says in disapproving looks. It is so unpleasant that it is actually damaging my self-confidence. Every time we go there, my wife and I have some sort of argument. We feel small and bad, as though we’re doing something terribly wrong.

I admit that our lifestyle is not the same as that of my parents. But I am a grown man, and entitled to my choices. My parents were good parents and tried to bring us up with their values, but my wife and I have chosen a different course – not vastly different, but a little different. We spend more on luxuries, but for big questions, including how to raise our children, we consult our rabbi. He may not be our parents’ rabbi, but he is someone we respect and who gives us good guidance.

We’re at the point where we would like to cut back a lot on our visits. Distancing selves from the family seems like a drastic thing to do, but we are trying to protect our own essence. We are bringing up our children the way we want to, and we don’t want our parents to undermine us – although they haven’t yet done that. Do you think that this is an appropriate move? Or is there an alternative? All I want is for my mother to respect me, even if I am not exactly what she wanted me to be.

All Grown Up

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

My daughter got married a year ago. She is our only child. She married into a lovely family, a very large family. Not only are there lots of siblings, they also have many cousins, and many simchas. On Shabbos, it’s always one simcha after another.

I’m so happy for my daughter, but I feel like I’ve lost her. I don’t want to demand that she spend half the time with us on Yom Tov; I don’t want to get in the way or throw a guilt trip on her. Yet I think we miss her more than her in-laws, whose home is filled to the brim. This Sukkos was so lonely for us.

I’m not complaining. It was nice while it lasted. I just need some advice for myself. Should I ask the other side if we can we come too? I don’t understand – they are such baalei chesed – why don’t they realize themselves that we would be happy to be invited?

Empty Nester

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

We have been married for 12 years and have a few school-aged children. Lately, my husband has not been happy with the religious outlook the kids are getting in school. When they take out their parsha sheets on Shabbos, he objects to the things they have learned. Our Shabbos table used to be very pleasant. It isn’t anymore.

My husband wants to put the children into a more modern school. Nothing has changed about the schools they’re in; the schools are great, and the children are happy. I think it is my husband who is different.

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

I just lost my job. I have not told my husband or family. It was a part-time job, and I’m not the main breadwinner, but we definitely depend on my income for a lot of the extras. I dread telling everyone. Our teenagers are used to buying a lot of things. Maybe I spoiled them a little, because I wanted them to feel confident among their friends. I didn’t want them to feel poor or deprived. Now I’m afraid of how they’ll take to a restricted budget. Will they be understanding, or will they be angry? I very much don’t want to look like a failure in my kids’ eyes. I know I can’t keep this secret forever, but I need some advice on how to tell everyone.

Lost in More Ways Than One

Dear Rebbetzin Weinberg,

I’m beginning to think I have a problem with money. I like to buy nice things for my children, my husband, and myself. I feel good when we go out together and everyone is well dressed. My parents always emphasized the importance of looking presentable, and my in-laws feel the same way.

I am a good shopper and almost always manage to get good deals. I’m very conscious of prices and value, and I buy things at big markdowns. This has worked for us in the past, but now the bills are piling up. Sometimes, I even lie to my husband about how much something cost. He makes a decent salary, and I work part-time. But it is not enough. We used to pay off our credit card bill each month. Now, I am only paying the minimum amount, which means that the interest is skyrocketing. We are a month behind on the mortgage, too.